I deal with it pretty well... or do I?

These past 2 weeks, I've acted relatively normal. I've laughed, complained, yelled, talked, and done everything that I've normally done in the way that I normally do it in. But the reality is, my life has changed in a pretty big way.

On Monday morning, 10/31, my cell phone woke me up. It was my mom, and immediately I knew something was wrong. My dad had died. I'm not going to tell you how he died, that's just for me and my family to know.

I will be flying out of San Francisco International Airport tomorrow, 11/10 at 4:10 PM on a direct flight for Taiwan, my birthtown and where he had died. I will return on 11/13 at 2:40 PM. Apollo will be staying with Aaron/Lisa in Monterey for these 4 days.

I've walked around these past 2 weeks, carried on as normal. How can someone possibly act normally, go through each day - after finding out that his/her biological father had just passed away - in a normal fashion?

There are 2 main reasons. I don't know which one is more dominant, but here they are. The first is because of my own ontological/philosophical views on life and death. The more I read, the more I take bits and pieces of what I deem true and add it to my own little collection. I've come to terms with death, and with all that I've compiled in my head I'm able to take a couple of steps back... sort of transcend my own physical being... and see that the world is not going to stop, there won't be a way to bring him back or change anything, and my college classes will continue to assign homeworks and tests... I need to move on. Moving on, pushing forward, but all the while still taking the time I need out to think over things, and get it straightened out in my head.

The second reason why I feel that I've been able to act the way that I have is because of the personal father-son relationship between him and I. Rather, the lack thereof. We weren't really that close, and have never gotten along too well. That was mainly because of the cultural differences... me growing up here in the States and him being of a traditional Asian culture decent. Aside from that, the last time I had seen him was during Will's high school graduation - roughly 1 year and 4 months. He hasn't provided financial income for about 2-3 years for our family now, and has moved back to Taiwan the summer I graduated high school and moved to SLO here for college (so he's been gone for about 3+ years now, from my brothers and mom even back home). In a way he wasn't there, and in a way I didn't have a father in some respects.

Nevertheless, there is always that last contact. The last time I heard his voice, was on the day of my birthday - October 3rd. He had left me a voicemail because I was in class, and didn't get reception on my phone. He had wished me happy birthday I think, and hoped that all was going well with me... and that he was thinking of me. I'm grateful for that, because this year, I will be the only one of his 3 sons to be getting that message. My brothers won't hear from him for their birthdays in November and December... or ever again.

I'm 22 years old, and I don't have a father anymore... only in memory and on pictures. My kids in the future won't ever get to see a grandfather, and my mom is now a widow. But life goes on... my mom and my dad NEVER got divorced (well, never got around to it... so I guess I can say that they'll never get divorced), and Mom won't have to tell me about how much she's worrying about what's going on with Dad and the headaches/problems that she has to deal with.

I take a few steps back... and look at the big picture. What I see, is a young man looking back up at me with eyes that tell me he knows that there are others who look down upon him, others who he can no longer see but can see him and will always be there looking down on him. He recognizes this fact, and his eyes all of a sudden also shows strengths and the will to go on.