To JMK:



My dad once told me a piece of advice that I think we’ve all heard at one point or another, and that is, “put yourself in the other person’s shoes.” And in doing so, I’ve realized how I must’ve made you feel these last couple of weeks – despite having a talk last weekend to express some of the things I’ve been thinking or feeling. I felt (you must’ve felt) like there was this person that used to mean something to me and had become a very impactful and meaningful part of my life. But all of a sudden the laughter and stories that this person has written in the book that is my life has started to fade away or the pages are even being torn out. The thing that hurts the most is that there doesn’t seem to be anything that I can do to mend the ripped pages, and I’m left completely in the dark wondering, “will it ever be okay again?”

This is the second of such things I’ve written to you, and for the second time I feel that it’s because you deserve to know. As hard as this is for me, and it’s taken me hours/days to get the words right (I’ve written and erased the same things over and over), I feel as if though it’s the right thing to do. I honestly don’t know whether or not this will ultimately help, but I think you deserve to know ‘why’ and so I’ll try to convey my emotions and behaviors into letters and words.

Why…
… have I been ignoring you? There’s no reason for me to lie to you, and that there’s a part of me for the past 2 weeks that has forced me to turn away from you. One of the reasons that I keep telling myself relates back to our talk recently – where you recommended that I find/do the things that make me happy. Well, something that gives me true joy is hanging out and laughing with my friends. So that’s what I did, laugh and laugh with the guys from work, making jokes, and playing pranks. But you know what?

That’s a bullshit answer.

I feel…
… jealous. Awkward. Angry. Disappointed. All at the same time when I see or even hear you. You don’t need a dictionary for me to tell you that none of those are positive emotions. And that’s the human-istic explanation behind my knee jerk reaction to distance myself from you and even avoid eye contact. It pains me to feel that emptiness inside me, like you’ve just stepped off the edge of a sidewalk without realizing it – and it was someone you had trusted who pushed you off. Metaphors and analogies aside, that’s the true answer to my behavior: it hurts me. Why?

I’ve realized…
… that I was looking for something that wasn’t ever really there. I had mistaken one feeling/emotion for another and the end result was a sudden realization by me. After a lot of self-reflection I’ve determined that despite many of my wavering morals and beliefs about different aspects of life – one facet that my conscious won’t ever allow me to violate is the already established relationship between a couple. Whatever instincts, logical reasoning, knee-jerk reactions (alcohol involved or not), or sexual attractions… I can’t/won’t ever break that ethical rule. Another honesty confession: had I ever wished/wanted to fool around? Yes.

I wonder…
… if there’s a way for us to go back to the way it was before? That question gives rise to the following one: thinking clearly with an ethical conscious, SHOULD I go back to the way it was before? The immediate answer that comes to mind is ‘no’ because of the way I’ve been feeling when I see you. But does ignoring the problem and looking for something to cover it up really make the negative feelings go away? The answer is again ‘no’ because not only does it just hide the problem but it creates another big one – and that’s us losing each other and the relationship we’ve built up to this point.

I wish…
… to never lose you as a friend. As a philosophy student, I’ve compiled a lot of stuff in my head over the years and a large part of that has to do with cherishing friendship and life. I’ve come to realize that I can't let people that have entered and become a special part of my life just disappear into this world - never to be seen again and without even having the slightest idea of how they felt about each other. I wish that I am able to look at you or be around you without feeling any of the negatives I’ve mentioned earlier so that we may begin to rebuild what used to be there.

I think…
… that we might both be disappointed. This is the hardest part for me to write/say to you, because (with my pessimistic mindset) I can’t honestly forsee other outcomes. With that being said, I think that we might not ever establish what we used to have. This hurts me so much because on the one hand I’m the one who’s choosing to take our friendship back a step, and words can’t describe how sad I am to lose what we used to have. I have sat here and thought about this for a long time, but can’t figure out a way to convey or articulate to you how the dynamic of our friendship will change from this point forward in time. I think we might not be nearly as close of friends as we used to be, and that will be something that will be painful for us to both get used to.

Do you remember the times when I would be looking at you, and you would ask me what I was staring at, and I’d say “nothing” ? It reminds me of something a girl told me once which was, “to find a true friend, you have to look beyond the eyes of the person and what’s inside their heart.” I think all this time, I’ve been looking at your eyes too much and not focusing on the thing that matters the most – our hearts. This friendship and chapter in our lives that we’ve co-authored means so much to me, yet somehow it changed. I know that I’ve hurt you, and I’m sorry for making you sad. But if I’ve ever been honest with you about anything it would be this: it hurts me twice as much for the things I’ve said or done (or NOT said and NOT done). My brain has not let me sleep well the last 2 weeks, and my heart is still at the bottom of my stomach from the sinking feeling I get each time I see you. As I’ve said, this has been extremely difficult for me to write to you, but there is one thing that I can guarantee to you forever…

… no matter what you go through, however many times our hearts get broken, I’ll always be there for you with my friendship to pick up the pieces.

Superpowers

As children, I think that every one of us has at one point or another wished we were superheroes or had super powers. To this day I still have those wishes, and often like to fantasize about how I would use those powers (for good, for evil, for personal goals/reasons). I like to think about those powers as I lay in bed at night in order to send my brain into a spiral of thoughts full of "what ifs" and hypothetical situations where I might abuse my power or be discovered by others to have those abilities... and before I realize it, I'd be asleep.

But with this post I'm pulling a 180 and putting forth this reversed idea/desire: I sometimes wish that OTHER people had super powers - namely, that of being able to read MY mind. There are situations in life that I've run into where I truly wished someone else was able to know what's on top of my mind (without me ever saying or disclosing any of it to them) and say, do things, or behave based on what they know. It sounds stupid, I know... but I wished the things we don't have the courage, dignity, or want to admit to can be known to someone else. A quick example would be someone who is arrogant or stubborn. If that person were to have done something wrong, but didn't want to lose face by actually apologizing to the person they had wronged - they wouldn't have to. The other person would read the arrogant person's mind and realize that he/she was sorry and just didn't want to admit it. That way both people end up happy and their lives would get back on track without forcing an awkward situation.

But when I think about my current situation and whether or not this hypothetical would even resolve the problem - I think the answer would be "no". The real problem is the fact that there are MULTIPLE problems: some of them revolve around really small and petty things, others revolve around my own morals/values, while some have to do with being self-centered and jealous, and finally there will always be the fundamental human instincts that has been hard-coded into our brains. I'm not really sure what the point I'm trying to get at is... but if I had to try to pin-point something, ANYthing that I can figure out from thinking about all of this are the following:

- Guys/males will always be competitive, especially with regards to females.
- At this point in my life, there is a certain type of attention that I'm missing, craving, desiring... and have been for the past 5+ years of my life. It's been so long that I'm getting it confused with other things.
- When it comes down to it, deep down inside, I'm a "nice guy" and my conscience would ultimately at the last second, hold strong and not let me do something I'll regret for the rest of my life.

There's really no way to fix it. Probably because there really wasn't much to fix to begin with. What had happened simply put things into perspective for me and made me realize (although it took me about a week and A LOT of thinking) that I was foolish to be chasing after something that wasn't there or something that I would never reach.

If reading any of this hurts you, I'm deeply sorry... and I don't know what to do right now. I REALLY don't know what to do, what to say, how to act, and especially what to think or expect from you.

This feeling: jealousy

Jealous
1 a: intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness b: disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness

... I don't like it. I HATE it. What are these biochemical reactions in our head that we call "feelings" or "emotions"? Happiness, sadness, anger, disappointment, jealousy, proudness, shamefulness - what are all of these things?

The one I am currently experiencing right now is definitely one of top 3 that makes me hate being a human being or alive. And the funny thing is that, as logical or methodical of a person that I may be, I can't seem to shake loose of this emotion I'm currently experiencing. I'm going to attempt to write down and chronicle the events leading up to this moment to the best of my ability without compromising the friendships/relationships with those people involved (the reason: well, they might read this post and THEN where will I be?)

To many people this might sound really corny or cheesy, but I think that our brain is a beautiful thing in the way that it operates - it links events, people, places, songs, food... anything you can think of - all together somehow. Those associations that get built are pretty special to me, especially when they relate to people I feel are special to me. I don't know what it is exactly but when those connections are broken by the people I associate it with, I feel...

It's hard to see the big picture sometimes. I think you just need to focus on something else for just a moment in order to bring the matter at hand back into focus and gain some perspective. Sometimes it's also helpful to have someone else who is impartial to give you their opinion through that set of eyes/ears.

When it's all said and done, it's just so stupid. Correction - I'm just too sensitive, self-centered, egotistical, and hypocritical. I can't believe that something/someone that should never be having this type of impact on my life is forcing me to feel this way. Logically, practicially, morally, and my own personal principles all tell me that I'm looking for and wanting more from someone that isn't in the position to do such things - and I really shouldn't be expecting anything from her.