My 25th Birthday - October 3rd, 2008

(Warning!) Before you start reading, I should give a fair warning that this is pretty long. It took me almost all of Saturday to compose and rearrange my thoughts and feelings that I’ve experienced in the last couple of days. I’d suggest either you dedicate about ½ an hour to read all of this or just pick the section from the below links to read the corresponding portions.

(Warning!!) A second warning should be given – and it’s about me. I have an innate habit (sometimes I do it on purpose and sometimes subconsciously) of making people feel sorry for me. It’s the self-centered part of me that does it, and I’m warning you right now to not fall for that trap as you start reading this.

Click below to skip to:

My normal day
My work
My birthday
My life so far
My “friends” and friends
My disappointment
My loneliness
My happiness
My thoughts

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My day...

... started just like any other day. Except today was… Friday. I use my old cell phone as an alarm (simply because I haven’t figured out how to use the alarm on my Blackjack) and it rang promptly at 7AM. As usual Apollo was still asleep – he was under the covers that morning on my left.

I got up, and checked my phone to see what kind of messages I had waiting for me. A couple of e-mails, nothing out of the ordinary. I remembered it was payday so I hopped online to make sure the money was there before I hopped in the shower. Apollo had gotten up by the time I got out of the shower and we went for our morning walk. This was a quick trip down the sidewalk outside of the apartment complex next to the road. After we got back I promptly got dressed and headed out the door but not before I threw a banana and yogurt cup into a plastic bag.

As I drove towards work, I noticed that the high school that I pass every morning was empty. There were no school buses, no early marching band on the softball field, and no traffic at the usual intersection. I guess they had a school holiday. Maybe I should've taken the day off to celebrate my birthday.



8:02AM (Central Time)…


… was when I walked into work, and little did I know I was going to be there for a while that day. My mentor (on my team) recruited me Thursday morning to help him with a HUGE project that some people at work have been spending a lot of time on. I wanted to contribute to the team, which is why I worked late on Thursday – I stayed until about 6 – and came in early on Friday. And I worked really diligently on the project the whole day. I skipped lunch (like I do about 3 of the 5 work days) and continued to work until about 5:30. Yes, I worked until 5:35PM on a Friday… which also happened to be my birthday.


Here is a picture of my car in the parking lot at 5:40PM that afternoon (you can see my mentor Dave’s truck in it as well)

I got home...

... around 6PM and decided to take Apollo to the nearby lake to catch the sunset and to get out for a while. In my haste to get to the lake – and probably because I was so tired from focusing all day – I forgot Apollo’s collar and only brought his leash. So when we got to the park, all we could do was walk along the lake and had to avoid walking the trail. It didn’t turn out to be as bad as I thought.

After we got home, I made Apollo dinner before running out and grabbing some fast food. The thought of sitting along at a restaurant, on a Friday night, on my birthday, was just too depressing and I didn’t want to give anyone the chance of laughing at me. I finished my dinner and had some blueberry cake + peach ice cream while watching TV with Apollo as we celebrated the final hours of my birthday. I started falling asleep around 11, but ultimately ended up falling asleep right around midnight.

So Friday was my birthday...

... October 3rd. I turned 25 this year. 1 quarter of a century. 1/3 marker of my whole life (assuming I make it to 75). Recently I’ve been looking back on my life up to this point and reflecting on what I’ve accomplished – and you know what?

I’m not really happy/satisfied with where I am in life after 25 years.
I’m quite disappointed actually. When I was in Denver about 2 weeks ago and got to catch up with Beth, whom I hadn’t really seen since high school 5 (or 6) years ago… I started thinking about what I have to show for myself if our 10 year high school reunion was tomorrow. That was what led me to reflect on where I am with my life and ask myself a couple of questions.

Am I happy… with what I’ve done since high school?
Yes, I suppose. Actually, no… not really. I’ve graduated from a very reputable college and landed a great job. But what else will I have to show for it? In other words, what will I be walking around with at the reunion? I’ll have nothing but a nice suit, a fair-sized bank statement, and a dog in a lonely 1 bedroom apartment in the Midwest. No house, no family, no wife, no fiancée, not even a girlfriend. Just a bunch of boring stories about school and work that no one will care about except me. I might have accomplished what I wanted to on the financial side, but we all know money can’t buy love and happiness.

Am I happy… with my day-to-day life?
No. Leo actually asked me this question and I was almost dumbfounded when I couldn’t answer his question of, “what do you do after work?” And that’s the problem: I work Monday through Friday, come home to my dog, maybe go out and get some exercise, and watch TV or spend my time in front of the computer. No friends, no extra-curricular activities.

This pretty much got me thinking about all the people I’ve met and become “friends” with up to this point in my life. When they are around, it really makes living worthwhile because they make me laugh, happy, and makes getting up in the morning worthwhile.



My friends...

... have always been a big part of my life. But as I continued to get older and move on to different things – so have my friends. And it’s hard, VERY hard, to keep in touch with those people who were at one point such a big/important part of my life. I started thinking about how many of these people were really people that cared about me.

Technology and the internet these days allow for superficial friendships to emerge out of thin-air. These are meaningless, and people have started taking advantage of things like Facebook to compensate for their laziness and un-thoughtfulness for their friends – those friends who they “claim” to be so close with. Here is an example of something I find to be extremely shallow:

- Person A is good friends with Person B
- Person A has a birthday, and Person B is reminded of it by Facebook because Person B doesn’t take the time to remember it
- Person B uses Facebook to quickly write a “Happy Birthday Person A!” on their wall, in place of a friendly (perhaps short) phone call, birthday card, or thoughtful present
- Person B walks away with a sense of accomplishment – they believe they’ve fulfilled their social obligation to Person A as a friend, without ever making personal contact or giving it any thought.

Think about it. How much time did it really take for the whole process of Facebook-birthday-wishing? 10 seconds to log-in, 5 seconds to read the birthday reminder, 15 seconds to write a generic birthday message on their wall. UNDER 30 seconds… and that is supposed to replace a phone call, personalized birthday card, or meaningful birthday present?

That is the very reason why I decided to do what I did this year on my birthday. I turned off my wall and all instant message programs so I can prevent (at least to a certain extent) that impersonal birthday-wishing. This way, instead of being able to reflect back on my birthday in a very fake way and say “oh man, what a great day… I had 50 people wish me happy birthday!” I can instead look back and say “these are the people who actually cared about me enough to not forget.”

However, being that it was Friday and I still had to work, I had to leave my e-mail turned on – and a side note should be made that Anne decided to broadcast her birthday wishes via e-mail to my 2 old teams (intentionally reminding everyone else) about me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate her for doing that at all… just that it kinda screwed up my experiment for the day because it reminded about 25-30 people.

So who cared about me yesterday? Well, here are the results:

Call log:
12:06AM – Alex B. (missed, left voicemail)
09:55AM – Mom (18 seconds)
10:28AM – Jon W. (1.5 minutes)
11:36AM – Alex B. (2 minutes)
04:18PM – Leo (5 minutes)
06:24PM – Nicole S. (missed, left voicemail)
08:56PM – Greg W. (19 minutes)
09:25PM – Nick L. (3 minutes)
11:48PM – William (29 minutes)

Text Messages:
Nicole S., Jennie F., Leslie K.

Honorable Mentions:
Jaclyn K. (says she didn’t need Anne’s reminder) – e-mail
AJ D. (on his way to Munich) – Facebook e-mail
Kara Y. – very long e-mail including 1 picture
Anne St. – first to write e-mail and reminded everyone else

My experiment and intentions proved to be as expected. Those who really knew and cared about me gave me a call (my closest friends and family) or at least wrote me an e-mail with some substance and meaning. That broke it down to just about a dozen people.

A dozen people who cared/knew about me – and Facebook says I have 538 “friends.”

I’m not sure...

... whether I want to laugh at or shake my head in disappointment at what our world has turned into. We’ve been reduced to mindless drones that click buttons and tap on keyboards to communicate with each other. In 2007, when I had my birthday last year – over 40 drones wrote a birthday message on my Facebook wall. However, I also had 3 birthday cards, 1 decorated cube, several balloons, 2 birthday presents, and 1 really great party.

This year? I had less than 1 hour total of phone calls, and about a handful of e-mails that were actually more than a simple “happy birthday.” There’s a banner in our break room at work that reminds everyone who’s birthday it is for the month (see picture) – yet I received 1 verbal “happy birthday” throughout the entire day. At this point some of you might be thinking to yourselves (if you haven’t already) why I am so self-centered and egotistical. Why am I expecting so much from other people?

I suppose it is somewhat rude and self-absorbed to expect more. But I want to take a second to explain that I’m someone who takes birthdays pretty seriously. To my family and my friends I have typically done something meaningful on their days even when I can’t be there. Flower bouquets, hand-written cards, soccer jerseys, concert tickets, chocolate and candy, stuffed animals, figurines, taking them out to dinners, flying across multiple states… are all just examples of what I’ve done for people this year.

I don’t care about the material possessions… it’s the thoughtfulness and caring messages that people send that counts. I didn’t get too many this year, but I think I got them from everyone who matters to me anyway.



0 cards, 0 presents, 0 parties...

... but most importantly: 0 friends this year to spend my birthday with me. It was a very lonely birthday spent (with Apollo) in my living room.

I might have given a lot of people the impression that life here in Missouri isn’t that bad and everything’s going great. But the truth is: work is going great, and I have my good health. But life itself is pretty damn lonely. I’ve come to the realization (I suppose this is my 25th birthday epiphany) that up to this point in my life I’ve taken friends and the opportunity to make them for granted. It is pretty damn hard thing to do; to pick up your life and leave everything and everyone you know behind. I’ve had to do that once when I left high school, once when I left college, and once again when I left North Carolina. However this last time was the most difficult because I was no longer surrounded by people and faces who were eager to be your friends – they all had their own friends (and family) already.

Sure, things could be worse. I could’ve moved somewhere where I knew absolutely no one – at least here in Missouri I have Jaclyn’s family. Or what’s left of it anyways. Jaclyn is in Arizona, her younger sister Jessica is at college, her older sister works 2 jobs, and her parents tend to travel a lot. When I first moved here, I practically lived there on weekends, but now every member of their family is living their own lives and I’m left to live my own. Even when they all come home visiting sometimes, I have to give them their space and they don’t necessarily always call – and I don’t expect them to, they really shouldn’t.



But what I do have is my own family.

I was pleasantly surprised by my 2 brothers this year. Both gave me a call, and Leo was first. I’ve got to give him credit, he’s always somehow managed to find the words when it counts. He called to wish me a happy birthday and asked about how I was doing. I told him I was doing alright, but the smart kid knew that couldn’t really be the case. He knew I must feel pretty lonely here and told me that I could call or talk to him online more often. He even suggested that we play some online video games together like we used to. It really made me feel good inside to hear all that, especially something he said near the end: while friends might move on and not always be there, we’ll always have each other (brothers). Thanks kiddo.

Will called a bit later at night. I almost thought he had forgotten, but he made it. We talked about life in general and Mom back home. Afterwards we chatted for a good while about a bunch of random things, which just goes to show you that while we may be brothers – we are also good friends that have all of these on-going jokes and similar interests ever since we were little. We talk about the same TV shows, games, online videos, etc. and it’s great to have someone like that who can pick up the conversation at any time. I’m proud of him for finally getting his life in shape and having a good time at college – I’m even more proud of the way he helps Mom back home and the way he has (in the past, and I’m sure in the future) unconditionally lending a helping hand to me when I ask.

Mom was the 1st person in the morning to call me. Albeit it was only for about 20 seconds because she was on her way to work (sounded like she was heading out the door or maybe walking into her office), she said something that caught me off-guard – but in a good way. She said “love you” before she got off the phone. She doesn’t say it a lot, and it surprised me to the point that I didn’t even get a chance to say it back before we hung up. Well, I owe her one “love you” and I’ll repay my debt on Sunday night when we have our weekly chats.



I’ve written a lot...

... because there has been a lot on my mind – and if you’ve read it thus far, I thank you.

If you knew me as well as I know myself, you probably know that I’m someone who is sometimes very self-centered, egotistical, and narcissistic.
If you’ve been around me long enough, you probably know that I complain and bitch about a lot of things.
If you knew me really well and have talked with me late at night, you probably know that I’m a fairly emotional and sensitive person.

I know about a lot of my many problems and faults. How else would I have been able to express them to you – my patient friends – who have read it or listened to me in the past? I know about them and I know what I need to do to better myself and the life I so currently despise living.

But have I done anything about it?

No. No I haven’t. It’s a pretty self-destructive cycle that I tend to play over and over in my head which just sends me on a depression spiral sometimes. The self-pity and the constant criticism about the unfairness of life constantly brings me down. I suppose that’s why I’m so pessimistic when I wake up each morning and expect to hit every red-light on the way to work.

One of my final thoughts is on where my life is going right now. If you were to ask me what direction I’m taking my life and my near-future ambitions – I wouldn’t have an answer for you. I honestly don’t know what I’m doing with myself, which is where one would expect to find themselves when he’s living in the middle of no where. Things used to be so simple: go to school to get into a good college, then do well and get a good job so you can live a good life. Well I’ve gone to college and I’ve gotten a good job so I should be living the dream right? Not really, my head is pretty messed up regarding my priorities and life issues.

I guess you could say I’m going through a one-third-life crisis (versus a mid-life crisis).

But how the hell did I make it to 25 years? I suppose in the past things haven’t been as bad and they haven’t all piled on yet. That and also because I’ve had people to talk to – and I don’t mean people I can call on the phone. There were people who I saw on a day to day basis that understood me and/or listened to me. They were my support system and an outlet for my troubles. But now I don’t quite have that anymore in my life and I can feel things accumulating. I’m pretty sure I’ll eventually drown myself in my own destructive self-pity and loneliness unless I do something about it. I suppose I should continue to write here and express more of the things that I’m feeling and going through in order to vent a little bit.

At least I’m pretty sure that’s what the therapist will say to me and suggest I do at my next session anyways.

Thanks for reading.

- GS

Apollo 2.0

So I was making my daily rounds on the internet and browsing the latest news on MSNBC's website, when the below headline (and article) caught my eye:

Cloned pit bull puppies revealed. All five of him.

As it turned out there was a woman who decided to have her pit pull cloned... AFTER the dog had already died. There is a biotech firm in Korea named RNL Bio who performed the cloning procedure from skin cells of the dog. Of course, the procedure wasn't cheap - it cost the lady from California $50,000 for this "service." Something else that will obviously be of debate is the ethical dilemma to this event that has raised furious debates from supporters on both sides - who are we to play God?

Supreme deities aside, I was quite surprised and intrigued at the sudden thought of how this could affect my life. While it's expensive and filled with potential complications (and who knows if the company will guarantee a definite successful clone and/or promise there won't be any side-effects) the procedure will eventually become cheaper. If indeed in about a decade or so's time the price drops by... say 1/2 so that it's about the same cost as that of a new car, and the results have been successful and positive, it really has gotten me thinking.



What if I had a second chance to raise Apollo? Or even a third chance? While it will obviously NOT be Apollo because of the way that each clone will be brought up in a different social environment and might be trained differently - on paper he is the same puppy to begin with, and will ultimately have more or less the same physical attributes. I will know any potential problems that Apollo 1.0 has (or will) experience and adjust for those things accordingly. I'll also be offered the chance to perhaps raise him a different way and train him in the ways that was most effective. Last but not least, he'll LOOK more or less the same and have the same genetic personality that should carry over into Apollo 2.0's characteristic traits.

What an intriguing world we live in... where we make the impossible, possible. I look forward to potentially spending the rest of my life, growing old, with the "same" dog.

Thinking and Seeing Clearly

Maybe I'm too picky, but then again most people are. I'm pretty sure everyone has their limits, boundaries, filters... whatever you want to call it, basically things that they can't handle or won't tolerate.

When it comes to women (and I've had this conversation a few times with Alex) and if you were asked to describe your perfect girl, would you be able to do it? I think I've attempted answering that question in the past but I remember coming up with something vague or saying "it depends." Let's try to break it down. There's obviously 2 parts: the physical and the personality.

Physical:

As far as their face/body goes, I'm as superficial as the next guy. You look at the face - nice hair, pretty eyes, cute complextion. Then you look at the body - size of boobs, slim/fit/average toned body, and overall curves. Finally you look at the big picture - does she take good care of herself, skin complextion, shaved legs, too much/not enough/or no makeup, and does everything come together? There are a wide variety of combinations that these things can be present in a girl... one combination that may pass as the "perfect girl" could be very different than the combination that generates a different "perfect girl".

I think up to this point in my life I've mostly judged a girl (at least initially to form a first opinion/judgement of her) from the physical perspective. Only recently did I start to really consider them from both the physical and personality wise as to whether or not she is "date-able" or compatible enough with me to work as a couple.

Personality:

With physical attributes, it's fairly easy to quantify those features and list those qualities out. However the list of things that make up someone's personality is endless. I don't exactly have a "points" system or "3-strikes" rule that would tell me that a girl is no-good. However there's a threshold in my head, while very obscure and hazy, that does in fact exist and once crossed, it's pretty much established that it's not going to work out.

A "perfect girl's" personality would probably mirror that of mine in numerous aspects and ways. It's probably pretty important that we share the same outlook on some big issues but at the same time it's the small things that matter as well. What TV shows does she like to watch? Does she like dogs? Does she share similar interests as I such that we have a great time doing things and hanging out with each other? I think that only recently did I begin to define what those things are to myself so that I can better figure out whether a girl has "failed" enough of those things and crossed the threshold that places her in the not-going-to-work-out category.

The Big Picture

And finally, it's how those 2 pieces come together. (I might sound shallow in this next comment but that's me, so deal with it) I think that regardless of whether you pass the physical or personality 1/2 of the test with flying colors... once you fail the other part, it's pretty much over and a done deal. I mean, I personally don't/can't see myself putting up with a ditzy girl that looked like Jessica Alba for the rest of my life - I can probably put up with it for 1 to 3 years but after I'm over the stages of showing her off to my friends and having crazy and wonderful sex with her, I can't spend the rest of my life with her. Likewise if I were to find a girl who was exactly like me (at least all the positive traits) and shared in each and EVERY one of my interests/hobbies/favorite things - but was completely unattractive to me, she will forever remain as my best friend and I'd never be able to sleep with her (because I wouldn't ever get turned on enough).

Now granted those are the 2 extremes, 99% of people I'll meet will fall somewhere in the middle and it will be pretty hard to figure out where exactly they fall. It's like having a scale and being forced to dissect a girl into those 2 halves, then weighing the two against each other to figure out if they pass.

It's a hard thing to do, but I think the sooner you are able to think/see clearly and make the judgement of whether the girl makes the cut or not - the better you'll be able to decide where you want your friendship/relationship to go.

GW's Advice

(I'm glad I managed to sneak in a May entry on the 31st day of this month)

I think it's weird how your opinion, feelings, and emotion towards one person can change so quickly and unexpectedly - and how drastic the Snow Ball Effect is. One might also call it the Domino Effect, but the end result is that it sets into motion a whole lot of sh!t and events that lead to one another.

With that being said, I've experienced and gone through a sh!tload of "character building" or "emotional training" these past months. They have all been a result of females - and I blame them for the emotional roller-coaster ride that I've been on. I WANT TO GET OFF THIS RIDE! My brain is swarming and so full of assumptions, hypotheticals, re-enactments of things that have been said or done, things that I dream or think might happen - and it feels like it's going to burst. My heart on the other hand, feels like it's a punching bag. When I see or hear something from someone (or perhaps because they DIDN'T say something), I feel like my heart skips a beat because someone just kicked me in the stomach while someone else is simultaneously jabbing an ice pick deep into it.

I talked to Greg for just about a full hour on the phone tonight - and throughout the conversation he gave me some great wisdom that rivals the revelations that great philosophers have had in the past (in my opinion).

1. Turn a negative scenario/event and put yourself in their shoes - only then can you make the correct judgement call on what is appropriate to do or say.

I thought I had my mind made up on what I really wanted to say/ask someone as soon as I saw them the next day, because I believed that it would make me feel better somehow - even if the truth/answer was what I feared to hear the most. However, after Greg told me about (let's call this Greg's Wisdom #1) GW#1 and applied it to my current predicament... almost instantaneously I changed my thought process. It was like, "wow... I never thought about it from that person's perspective and I would never want that to happen to me." And so from this day forward, I will try to apply GW#1 during any situation where I get caught off-guard and feel emotionally unsettled.

2. Give them the benefit of the doubt - especially if they are/were your friend.

I tend to make judgements on people fairly early and quickly. And once it's been made, it's pretty darn hard for my perception of them to change. Despite my very pessimistic outlook on life and the dark rain cloud I cast over myself (and try to spread to others), Greg has convinced me of being a better person - or at least trying to. He says he likes to believe people are innocent until proven guilty (I've always thought of the opposite) and after listening to him give his perspective on why it tends to work out for the better if you give them the benefit of the doubt - life's a little bit easier to deal with. I think I'm going to try giving that a shot, despite how hard it may be. This guy used to be my friend, maybe still is, and may not have any intentions whatsoever of hurting my feelings (at least not on purpose).

To JMK:



My dad once told me a piece of advice that I think we’ve all heard at one point or another, and that is, “put yourself in the other person’s shoes.” And in doing so, I’ve realized how I must’ve made you feel these last couple of weeks – despite having a talk last weekend to express some of the things I’ve been thinking or feeling. I felt (you must’ve felt) like there was this person that used to mean something to me and had become a very impactful and meaningful part of my life. But all of a sudden the laughter and stories that this person has written in the book that is my life has started to fade away or the pages are even being torn out. The thing that hurts the most is that there doesn’t seem to be anything that I can do to mend the ripped pages, and I’m left completely in the dark wondering, “will it ever be okay again?”

This is the second of such things I’ve written to you, and for the second time I feel that it’s because you deserve to know. As hard as this is for me, and it’s taken me hours/days to get the words right (I’ve written and erased the same things over and over), I feel as if though it’s the right thing to do. I honestly don’t know whether or not this will ultimately help, but I think you deserve to know ‘why’ and so I’ll try to convey my emotions and behaviors into letters and words.

Why…
… have I been ignoring you? There’s no reason for me to lie to you, and that there’s a part of me for the past 2 weeks that has forced me to turn away from you. One of the reasons that I keep telling myself relates back to our talk recently – where you recommended that I find/do the things that make me happy. Well, something that gives me true joy is hanging out and laughing with my friends. So that’s what I did, laugh and laugh with the guys from work, making jokes, and playing pranks. But you know what?

That’s a bullshit answer.

I feel…
… jealous. Awkward. Angry. Disappointed. All at the same time when I see or even hear you. You don’t need a dictionary for me to tell you that none of those are positive emotions. And that’s the human-istic explanation behind my knee jerk reaction to distance myself from you and even avoid eye contact. It pains me to feel that emptiness inside me, like you’ve just stepped off the edge of a sidewalk without realizing it – and it was someone you had trusted who pushed you off. Metaphors and analogies aside, that’s the true answer to my behavior: it hurts me. Why?

I’ve realized…
… that I was looking for something that wasn’t ever really there. I had mistaken one feeling/emotion for another and the end result was a sudden realization by me. After a lot of self-reflection I’ve determined that despite many of my wavering morals and beliefs about different aspects of life – one facet that my conscious won’t ever allow me to violate is the already established relationship between a couple. Whatever instincts, logical reasoning, knee-jerk reactions (alcohol involved or not), or sexual attractions… I can’t/won’t ever break that ethical rule. Another honesty confession: had I ever wished/wanted to fool around? Yes.

I wonder…
… if there’s a way for us to go back to the way it was before? That question gives rise to the following one: thinking clearly with an ethical conscious, SHOULD I go back to the way it was before? The immediate answer that comes to mind is ‘no’ because of the way I’ve been feeling when I see you. But does ignoring the problem and looking for something to cover it up really make the negative feelings go away? The answer is again ‘no’ because not only does it just hide the problem but it creates another big one – and that’s us losing each other and the relationship we’ve built up to this point.

I wish…
… to never lose you as a friend. As a philosophy student, I’ve compiled a lot of stuff in my head over the years and a large part of that has to do with cherishing friendship and life. I’ve come to realize that I can't let people that have entered and become a special part of my life just disappear into this world - never to be seen again and without even having the slightest idea of how they felt about each other. I wish that I am able to look at you or be around you without feeling any of the negatives I’ve mentioned earlier so that we may begin to rebuild what used to be there.

I think…
… that we might both be disappointed. This is the hardest part for me to write/say to you, because (with my pessimistic mindset) I can’t honestly forsee other outcomes. With that being said, I think that we might not ever establish what we used to have. This hurts me so much because on the one hand I’m the one who’s choosing to take our friendship back a step, and words can’t describe how sad I am to lose what we used to have. I have sat here and thought about this for a long time, but can’t figure out a way to convey or articulate to you how the dynamic of our friendship will change from this point forward in time. I think we might not be nearly as close of friends as we used to be, and that will be something that will be painful for us to both get used to.

Do you remember the times when I would be looking at you, and you would ask me what I was staring at, and I’d say “nothing” ? It reminds me of something a girl told me once which was, “to find a true friend, you have to look beyond the eyes of the person and what’s inside their heart.” I think all this time, I’ve been looking at your eyes too much and not focusing on the thing that matters the most – our hearts. This friendship and chapter in our lives that we’ve co-authored means so much to me, yet somehow it changed. I know that I’ve hurt you, and I’m sorry for making you sad. But if I’ve ever been honest with you about anything it would be this: it hurts me twice as much for the things I’ve said or done (or NOT said and NOT done). My brain has not let me sleep well the last 2 weeks, and my heart is still at the bottom of my stomach from the sinking feeling I get each time I see you. As I’ve said, this has been extremely difficult for me to write to you, but there is one thing that I can guarantee to you forever…

… no matter what you go through, however many times our hearts get broken, I’ll always be there for you with my friendship to pick up the pieces.

Superpowers

As children, I think that every one of us has at one point or another wished we were superheroes or had super powers. To this day I still have those wishes, and often like to fantasize about how I would use those powers (for good, for evil, for personal goals/reasons). I like to think about those powers as I lay in bed at night in order to send my brain into a spiral of thoughts full of "what ifs" and hypothetical situations where I might abuse my power or be discovered by others to have those abilities... and before I realize it, I'd be asleep.

But with this post I'm pulling a 180 and putting forth this reversed idea/desire: I sometimes wish that OTHER people had super powers - namely, that of being able to read MY mind. There are situations in life that I've run into where I truly wished someone else was able to know what's on top of my mind (without me ever saying or disclosing any of it to them) and say, do things, or behave based on what they know. It sounds stupid, I know... but I wished the things we don't have the courage, dignity, or want to admit to can be known to someone else. A quick example would be someone who is arrogant or stubborn. If that person were to have done something wrong, but didn't want to lose face by actually apologizing to the person they had wronged - they wouldn't have to. The other person would read the arrogant person's mind and realize that he/she was sorry and just didn't want to admit it. That way both people end up happy and their lives would get back on track without forcing an awkward situation.

But when I think about my current situation and whether or not this hypothetical would even resolve the problem - I think the answer would be "no". The real problem is the fact that there are MULTIPLE problems: some of them revolve around really small and petty things, others revolve around my own morals/values, while some have to do with being self-centered and jealous, and finally there will always be the fundamental human instincts that has been hard-coded into our brains. I'm not really sure what the point I'm trying to get at is... but if I had to try to pin-point something, ANYthing that I can figure out from thinking about all of this are the following:

- Guys/males will always be competitive, especially with regards to females.
- At this point in my life, there is a certain type of attention that I'm missing, craving, desiring... and have been for the past 5+ years of my life. It's been so long that I'm getting it confused with other things.
- When it comes down to it, deep down inside, I'm a "nice guy" and my conscience would ultimately at the last second, hold strong and not let me do something I'll regret for the rest of my life.

There's really no way to fix it. Probably because there really wasn't much to fix to begin with. What had happened simply put things into perspective for me and made me realize (although it took me about a week and A LOT of thinking) that I was foolish to be chasing after something that wasn't there or something that I would never reach.

If reading any of this hurts you, I'm deeply sorry... and I don't know what to do right now. I REALLY don't know what to do, what to say, how to act, and especially what to think or expect from you.

This feeling: jealousy

Jealous
1 a: intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness b: disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness

... I don't like it. I HATE it. What are these biochemical reactions in our head that we call "feelings" or "emotions"? Happiness, sadness, anger, disappointment, jealousy, proudness, shamefulness - what are all of these things?

The one I am currently experiencing right now is definitely one of top 3 that makes me hate being a human being or alive. And the funny thing is that, as logical or methodical of a person that I may be, I can't seem to shake loose of this emotion I'm currently experiencing. I'm going to attempt to write down and chronicle the events leading up to this moment to the best of my ability without compromising the friendships/relationships with those people involved (the reason: well, they might read this post and THEN where will I be?)

To many people this might sound really corny or cheesy, but I think that our brain is a beautiful thing in the way that it operates - it links events, people, places, songs, food... anything you can think of - all together somehow. Those associations that get built are pretty special to me, especially when they relate to people I feel are special to me. I don't know what it is exactly but when those connections are broken by the people I associate it with, I feel...

It's hard to see the big picture sometimes. I think you just need to focus on something else for just a moment in order to bring the matter at hand back into focus and gain some perspective. Sometimes it's also helpful to have someone else who is impartial to give you their opinion through that set of eyes/ears.

When it's all said and done, it's just so stupid. Correction - I'm just too sensitive, self-centered, egotistical, and hypocritical. I can't believe that something/someone that should never be having this type of impact on my life is forcing me to feel this way. Logically, practicially, morally, and my own personal principles all tell me that I'm looking for and wanting more from someone that isn't in the position to do such things - and I really shouldn't be expecting anything from her.

3, Three, III

As I sat here in my bed contemplating what I am to write about - there sure are a ton of things flowing through my head right now and nearly an infinite number of things that has occured since my last post - I made up my mind to pick 3 things. Why 3? Well, because if I don't decide on a particular number of items to write about, I'd most likely not get to bed. Also because it's March 3rd... there you have it folks, the crazy inner-workings and logic that is my brain.


1.) I miss Apollo

Ever since I brought my boy back to Raleigh with me I've become that much closer to him than ever. He is my everything - almost like having a kid, y'know? Being away from him for 2 weeks is hard - particularly in finding someone to dogsit him. And not just anyone, someone competent and who knows how to care for a dog. As I've said, at times being a dog owner makes me feel like a dad/father and during this time away from him I've experienced yet another stage in "parenthood."

Apollo got sick for the first time in his life while Will was taking care of him. Coincidentally it was a few days right after I had left when Apollo came down with his sickness. At first we thought he just had an upset stomach, but as blood started coming out of him and he stopped eating - I became scared. The night when he got really bad, I was stressed and as worried as I've ever been in my whole life. He made it through the night without having to go to the emergency vet hospital and the following day Will took him to the doctor's where they ran tests and found traces of the Giardia parasite in his system. I won't go into details as to my suspicion of the polluted tap water around the apartment complex that I live in - let's just say I have my suspicions and I had to cool off for a day or two. Apollo's much better now after taking his perscribed medicine and is pretty much back to 100%.

Franklin is currently looking after Apollo - walking him 3 times a day, feeding him, and giving Apollo the remainder of his medications. Caerleigh will be returning from her field visit Wednesday night, and will take over for Franklin starting Thursday. I really do appreciate both of them for looking after my boy - and am confident that Apollo is in good hands. I can't wait to get back on Friday night.

2.) Movies

I went to the nearby mall's movie theater this weekend and saw 2 movies: Semi-Pro and Vantage Point. In summary, I think Semi-Pro would've been funnier had I been seeing it with a crowd of friends who enjoyed basketball as much as me or with others who appreciates Will Farrell. The story itself was pretty linear and the jokes were there - but I think it could've been a hell of a lot better (or more of them). When I walked out, I think one word pretty much sums it up: unsatisfied. I'd rate it on a scale of 1 to 5 (with 5 being the best) and give it a 2.5 out of 5.

Vantage Point on the other hand, had a really interesting story/plot that unfolded as the movie progressed. The movie definitly kept me on the edge of my seat and left me - along with everyone else in the theater - with their mouths open waiting for the next scene. Nothing went unexplained, and when you reflect back on the overall story, it really wasn't incredible... however that's probably the only bad thing I had to say about it. The acting, action, drama, and effects were all fantastic. But most importantly of all, it was the way in which the story unraveled that made it such an incredible film. I'd give this move a 4 out of 5.

3.) Memories and feelings

I had watched both of the movies at around 5:30PM on a Friday and Saturday afternoon - which meant that by the time the movie ended it was about 7:30PM. As I walked out of the movie theaters I was surrounded by an ocean of teenagers that ranged from junior high up through high school. As I watched the groups of kids walking around in their small social circles, deciding which movie to watch, waving to school mates that they happened to run into and see, talking on their cell phones to their parents (promising to be home by curfew and to be safe), groups of boys checking out the giggling bunch of girls - it was extremely nostalgic. I almost instanteously felt myself turn 5 to 8 years younger as memories of high school flooded into my mind. But as I sat there in the food court I suddenly snapped to, shook my head and smiled/smirked to myself saying "those were the days."

** The reality is that I'm 24 years-old now and I'm on a business trip, living 2 weeks in a hotel in a city/state in which I have never traveled to. By this July, I will leave behind almost everyone and everything that I know to fully start my career - my life - here in Missouri. It was at that moment when that defining thought ran through my head did I come to the realization that amidst the hundreds of people that surrounded me at the Chesterfield Mall, I felt completely alone. **