Wanted: Remote Control of Life

I sometimes really wish that life was a TV show... not so much that things are scripted, but the fact that it is broadcast and can be recorded, rewound, edited, or redone.

I wish I had the rewind button to life.

If only there was a way, to go back in time - even just rewind back 10 seconds - so that you can get a second opportunity to react in a different manner or to say the thing that was on the tip of your tongue but never got the guts to say out loud. I wish I had those opportunities today. In a span of about 20 minutes, three of those moments came and passed... and if you know me, I'm going to be replaying those moments over and over and over in my head like a broken record player - each time imagining a different situation/outcome had I just acted, looked, said, or done something... ANYTHING.

But what did I do? I'll give you 3 guesses, and the first 2 don't count... that's right, I did: NOTHING. I kept my mouth shut, let the moment walk/pass right by me, and continued about my own business while pretending not to have broken my stride.

If these events were indeed like that of a TV show and the director knew in advance that a moment like this was to come about... the television viewers at home would be able to watch me in the following fashion: the moment would approach, and the camera would focus in on my eyes as I first realized the moment, acknowledged it, and then desperately search for the other person to make the first move. Then as the camera zooms back out and the moment passes, the viewers would see me go about my business as if nothing had never even happened. This is all what they would see.

What would they hear? Most likely an internal monologue, in which my own narration in my head starts out with all the hope in the world and excitement that such an event had occurred in my day. But as the moment comes and goes and gets ruined by - NOTHING - I begin to torture myself with the infinite possibilities displayed in a broken record player fashion in my head.

I really wish I had the rewind button... that, or I wish I had the money to see a shrink or psychiatrist to figure out how to stop torturing myself and damaging my self-esteem any further than it already is.

My (Stolen) Moment

So there I was, sitting at lunch with my co-workers/friends. I'm a fairly aware person in general, especially with respect to other people and "common" (shared) areas. But I suppose it wasn't even really that - it really started with myself, as I had looked all around to find a group of friends to "flock" to and sit with at lunch.

After settling down in my comfort zone among friends and began to enjoy my lunch, I had noticed her walk in - yes, it was her - the girl who I had a crush on. I made it as inconspicuous as possible as I tracked her with my eyes to the table in which she eventually chose and sat down among peers that she knew.

Every few moments when there would be a pause in the conversation or when the conversation was changing subjects, I would sneak a peek at her. There's just an un-quantifiable quality about someone who is able to stir up such feelings within you, that simply looking at the person makes you feel happy and fuzzy inside.

Finally something happened that caught my attention and my heart started to race - she had gotten up out of her chair and was about to leave. But that wasn't what caught my attention... her name badge/clip had come undone and fallen to the ground. I thought to myself that someone (if not herself) would notice it and pick it up - but 5 seconds passed, then 10, then 20... and she hadn't moved since standing up in place, yet no one noticed the badge.

This is my chance, a moment like this rarely comes along - it seems so perfect and cliche, like something out of a cheesy romance movie.

My heart raced and my palms began to get sweaty. But before I was able to even begin thinking about how to segway this kind/genuine gesture into simple chit-chat and building a repoire, something happened. I looked back over to make sure she hadn't gotten too far away from her original spot and found myself stunned by what I saw: an older guy from the next table over from me walked over to her, tapped her on her shoulder and told her that her badge had fallen off as he pointed to the ground. My heart sunk to the depth of my chest and it felt like I had walked unsuspectingly off the edge of a sidewalk.

My perfect moment... was STOLEN.