Superpowers

As children, I think that every one of us has at one point or another wished we were superheroes or had super powers. To this day I still have those wishes, and often like to fantasize about how I would use those powers (for good, for evil, for personal goals/reasons). I like to think about those powers as I lay in bed at night in order to send my brain into a spiral of thoughts full of "what ifs" and hypothetical situations where I might abuse my power or be discovered by others to have those abilities... and before I realize it, I'd be asleep.

But with this post I'm pulling a 180 and putting forth this reversed idea/desire: I sometimes wish that OTHER people had super powers - namely, that of being able to read MY mind. There are situations in life that I've run into where I truly wished someone else was able to know what's on top of my mind (without me ever saying or disclosing any of it to them) and say, do things, or behave based on what they know. It sounds stupid, I know... but I wished the things we don't have the courage, dignity, or want to admit to can be known to someone else. A quick example would be someone who is arrogant or stubborn. If that person were to have done something wrong, but didn't want to lose face by actually apologizing to the person they had wronged - they wouldn't have to. The other person would read the arrogant person's mind and realize that he/she was sorry and just didn't want to admit it. That way both people end up happy and their lives would get back on track without forcing an awkward situation.

But when I think about my current situation and whether or not this hypothetical would even resolve the problem - I think the answer would be "no". The real problem is the fact that there are MULTIPLE problems: some of them revolve around really small and petty things, others revolve around my own morals/values, while some have to do with being self-centered and jealous, and finally there will always be the fundamental human instincts that has been hard-coded into our brains. I'm not really sure what the point I'm trying to get at is... but if I had to try to pin-point something, ANYthing that I can figure out from thinking about all of this are the following:

- Guys/males will always be competitive, especially with regards to females.
- At this point in my life, there is a certain type of attention that I'm missing, craving, desiring... and have been for the past 5+ years of my life. It's been so long that I'm getting it confused with other things.
- When it comes down to it, deep down inside, I'm a "nice guy" and my conscience would ultimately at the last second, hold strong and not let me do something I'll regret for the rest of my life.

There's really no way to fix it. Probably because there really wasn't much to fix to begin with. What had happened simply put things into perspective for me and made me realize (although it took me about a week and A LOT of thinking) that I was foolish to be chasing after something that wasn't there or something that I would never reach.

If reading any of this hurts you, I'm deeply sorry... and I don't know what to do right now. I REALLY don't know what to do, what to say, how to act, and especially what to think or expect from you.

This feeling: jealousy

Jealous
1 a: intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness b: disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness

... I don't like it. I HATE it. What are these biochemical reactions in our head that we call "feelings" or "emotions"? Happiness, sadness, anger, disappointment, jealousy, proudness, shamefulness - what are all of these things?

The one I am currently experiencing right now is definitely one of top 3 that makes me hate being a human being or alive. And the funny thing is that, as logical or methodical of a person that I may be, I can't seem to shake loose of this emotion I'm currently experiencing. I'm going to attempt to write down and chronicle the events leading up to this moment to the best of my ability without compromising the friendships/relationships with those people involved (the reason: well, they might read this post and THEN where will I be?)

To many people this might sound really corny or cheesy, but I think that our brain is a beautiful thing in the way that it operates - it links events, people, places, songs, food... anything you can think of - all together somehow. Those associations that get built are pretty special to me, especially when they relate to people I feel are special to me. I don't know what it is exactly but when those connections are broken by the people I associate it with, I feel...

It's hard to see the big picture sometimes. I think you just need to focus on something else for just a moment in order to bring the matter at hand back into focus and gain some perspective. Sometimes it's also helpful to have someone else who is impartial to give you their opinion through that set of eyes/ears.

When it's all said and done, it's just so stupid. Correction - I'm just too sensitive, self-centered, egotistical, and hypocritical. I can't believe that something/someone that should never be having this type of impact on my life is forcing me to feel this way. Logically, practicially, morally, and my own personal principles all tell me that I'm looking for and wanting more from someone that isn't in the position to do such things - and I really shouldn't be expecting anything from her.