Random Mac Bullsh*t

On a generic USB keyboard the Alt key works as Option, and the Windows key works as Command.

Here is a solution for a stuck disc in the CD drive of a Mac Mini just before you grab a knife, screwdriver or spatula ...

(This applies to Mac Mini OS X 10.6.2, 2.26 GHz Intel Core Duo)

1. Shut down the Mac Mini 
2. Connect a corded USB keyboard to the Mini
3. On the keyboard, press and hold the D key, then press the button to start the Mini (keep pressing the D key until hell freezes over)
4. Eventually, a window appears that says Apple Hardware Test Version 3A150
5. Click on the Test button to start the hardware test (the option for the lengthier test is not necessary)
6. Once the test is over, the results will likely say that everything is okay. Choose the option to SHUT DOWN the Mini.
7. Suddenly, the CD will be ejected from the Mini.

7 Months of 2012 Review

2012 has been one of the more interesting years in my almost decade of life as a 20-something. I have done somewhat a very poor job of keeping a couple of my very close friends that I used to speak to on a regular basis, up to date on everything. I keep promising to do it and making mental notes, but it just kept getting procrastinated. I've finally managed to sit down and do a review of the first 7 months of 2012 with the assistance of my Facebook, Twitter, and (work) Outlook calendar.

January
The highlight of the 1st month this year was without a doubt my trip with Alex to Malaysia. It was our first trip to Asia since 2010 and we definitely made the most of it. From Kuala Lumpur to the island of Lankawi to Penang, we enjoyed every minute of it. This trip was booked because two of Alex's close friends were getting married in Kuala Lumpur, so we made a vacation out of it and extended the trip to a couple of other locations as mentioned. From what I heard, it was a glorious wedding because the bride was actually somewhat of a celebrity and very well connected in her hometown. Here's an article/blog that was written about the whole event, and Alex was in several of the pictures alongside a lot of the models and former beauty pageant participants that were bridesmaids in that wedding party (it's not hard to figure out which one is Alex - he's the only white guy, lol). The rest of our trip in Malaysia was well documented and photographed by me on a couple of my Facebook photo albums. Click here for the album of everything that I did and saw during the trip. Click here for the album of everything that I ate/drank :)

And as the 2011/2012 NFL season came to an end, I'd like to also briefly mention that I won my fantasy football league. I had an unprecedented season as I took my team Vick In A Box to the championships with an overall 14-1 record. I demolished my 12-team league, and let me tell you - this is no regular league. The guys in here know their shit, and you'd be lucky to find anyone good on the waiver wire and free agent pool. I bought myself a nice trophy to commemorate this accomplishment. This league had a $100 buy in, and top finisher (yours truly) took home the $600 pot + our weekly $20 side pots which were given out to the team that scored the highest number of points. I didn't fair so well in the other league (also a 12-team, $100 buy-in, keeper league) as I finished 8th. Oh well, you win some and you lose some.

Not long after I had returned from my vacation, I was hit with some surprising news from my manager. He was leaving his position (as the leader of my technical marketing team) and going to a different role within the company. This was a bummer and I was disappointed as he and I had become good friends and I had a manager that I really respected + looked up to. He really helped guide me when I first came on the team and was a great teacher. Our whole team (4 of us) ended up rolling up to the director of product managers.

February

Around the middle of February there was an annual show called the Digital Signage Expo that our business unit participates in, and it was held in Las Vegas. There was a lot of preparation as it was our largest convention and show that our team helps run. It was great to hang out with our entire sales team and demonstrate to customers at the show what our products can do, and very eye opening to see what else is out there in the industry. I also got a chance to meet some of my customers that use our products very exclusively and hang out with partners (implementors) that I had exchanged dozens of e-mails with. And as in typical Cisco fashion, there were some very nice (expensive) dinners, and I spent a week in a nice suite at the Palazzo hotel which is right next to the Venetian. We were out late most of the nights, entertaining customers and just having a good time (picture is from the 65th floor atop Mandalay Bay at the Mix Nightclub).

February is of course, the month of Valentine's Day. At this point, I still wasn't sure what exactly to do or what my feelings were towards a particular girl that I knew from work. It was a complicated situation from the perspective that you don't want to "fish off the company pier" and end up with some HR issue. But more than that - she was already in a relationship, albeit a long distance once. But on Valentine's Day, I made one last effort to do something before just completely abandoning my pursuit. Yellow roses were selected for the occasion and I delivered them to the lobby receptionist of the building that she works in, and had the lady call the girl to come down to the front desk. I told the receptionist to not reveal who I was, and on the bouquet I had left a small note in Chinese that said "From: Mr. Sun". I knew she would eventually be able to figure it out, whether on her own (somewhat limited Chinese reading proficiency) or with her Mom's help. Turns out she got it on her own, and she left me a voicemail (I had turned my phone off due to work) thanking me for the sweet gesture. Well, that was about it. Nothing came of it, I don't know if her boyfriend did anything for her on that day, but it allowed me to use the outcome as "closure" and whatever interest I had in her dissipated in the ensuing weeks.

I joined a dodgeball league in February as well. I wanted to continue to play organized sports as I deeply missed my volleyball days in St. Louis and the volleyball league/team that I had played on campus at work was very disorganized. I had played dodgeball in college, and figured this would be a great way to meet new people. I signed up as a "free agent" and was supposed to be placed on a team along with others who had also enrolled on their own, but I ended up getting added to a team that needed 1 or 2 more people to complete their roster. The result? I was on a great (skill wise) that knew how to play the game. The down side was that they all knew each other already and I felt like the odd person out more often than not. In retrospect, while I enjoy winning, I'd almost have rather been put on a bad team but made new friends instead of what happened. The league went on for about 10 weeks, and we made the playoffs. I definitely held my own and was an above average player if I do say so myself. We won the 1st round, but got knocked out in the semi-finals. Overall we finished 4th out of 12 teams. I believe the team signed up for the next session, but I wasn't asked to return - not that I had too much of an interest in coming back.

March
There was another work related convention that I attended in March and this time it was held in Orlando, Florida. I had never been to Florida before, so I was looking forward to it. As it turned out, I didn't get a chance to do anything other than do my booth duty at the show, return to my hotel room exhausted, and do additional work (e-mails) before going to bed to make sure I recharged my batteries for the next day. In fact, I ended up leaving a day early because there was enough people to cover the booth for the last day and I had things to do back in California (work related).

St. Patrick's day weekend, my college friend Joe got married. He had the wedding about half an hour north of where we went to college in San Luis Obispo, and a handful of us old roommates got a chance to get back together. SLO is about a 3 hour drive for me from San Jose. I hadn't seen James since graduation (5 years) or Chris for several years. Andrew and Joe I had both seen recently, but it was great to get together that weekend. We met up the day before the wedding and had dinner at one of the best tri-tip places in town, and then had beers to celebrate St. Patty's. On Sunday we first went back to Cal Poly (first time for me, Andrew, and James since graduation) and walked around campus. It was incredibly nostalgic and amazing to see how much the campus has transformed, while at the same time remembering all the things that brought back clear memories of our college days. We then drove to Cambria for Joe's wedding, where it was held at a lodge. Got to see some a few more college friends at the reception, and it was just a wonderful reunion of us guys who have all known each other since freshman year on the 3rd floor of the Trinity dorm building - which turned into roommates at Cerro Vista during sophomore year, and then the two-story Johnson house during year 3, and finally they moved to the house on Marsh the last two years.

April
On a very similar topic, I had been hanging out a lot with my dear friend Michelle who I've known since freshman year in the dorms. She's been living in the bay area for some time, and it was great to have someone to spend time with and do different things with such as going to Sharks hockey games or Giants baseball games. She was also the person who went with me on the to the pet store where I met Apollo for the first time. She has my spare key, and I had hers. She has a cat, Zoe, and we help take care of each other's pets from time to time. More so her coming by and watching Apollo for me during the times when I'm out of town than me going by to feed her cat, but she's been great in helping out. We've become really close, but never in that boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic. Not 100% sure why, but neither of us really saw each other that way? We refer to each other as "brother" or "sister" if that helps paint a better picture.

I purchased something called a "skatecycle" which is basically 2 wheels that has a small platform where you place your feet, and you use your own momentum to propel yourself forward. It's really hard to describe exactly how it works, so I've added a video for you to see what it looks like when someone's riding it. I tweeted my progress throughout the month of April as I was attempting to learn the thing, which was NOT at all easy. Do you remember how long it took you to learn how to ride a bike and the challenges you faced? Well, the learning process was exactly the same. You don't just "get it". You stumble, fumble, fall, get back up, over and over. I definitely injured myself several times as I ate shit on the flat concrete areas in front of my apartment building where I practiced. But right about the end of the month, I was a good skatecycle-ist and can now get around freely and it feels second nature. It was a very rewarding experience as I forced myself to not give up through the difficult times, the pain of my hips/legs/arms from learning, and kept going outside to practice without caring if other people were watching me fall or look goofy. It made me feel somewhat like a kid again - and getting fresh air can never be a bad thing :)

At work, one of my largest customers that I supported was Ford Motors. I was assigned to the account and a dedicated resource from within our business unit since they had a large implementation of our product. I already met some of the Ford team at DSE back in February, and I met them again when I traveled to Dearborn, Michigan in mid-April to help kick off a new project we were doing with them. I was only there for a few days , but I had never been to Michigan before but know about a half dozen people who are from the state. In the following months and even up to this week, I'm still working on a regular basis with their team in their overall deployment. I've enjoyed it very much and we've been very successful in accomplishing a lot over this span of time - in fact I got an award/bonus from my director for the great effort that I had put in with the Ford team and represented our group very positively.

May
Not too much happened in May, it was just a miscellaneous collection of different things as my traveling slowed down a bit. I did continue to go to baseball games and specifically caught the Cardinals when they were in San Francisco. I also got a chance to go to my first A's game with my college buddy Dan, who caught a foul ball near the end of the game - it was very exciting! Being back in California I was getting to see my family roughly once a month and I go home from time to time. On one weekend we (my 2 younger brothers) with my mom and we all went to the nearby park - yes Apollo came too. My brother William was on a bike, I was on my skatecycle, and Leo was on a longboard. We came up with this (at the time creative) idea to daisy-chain ourselves as Leo grabbed onto the back of William's bike, and I held onto Leo's hand. We traveled for about 200 feet and then Leo got this magnificent idea of launching/sling-shotting me forward. I started going so fast that I caught up to William on his bike but I wasn't able to stay balanced at that speed, and I ended up crashing and rolling on the pavement. I barely got hurt (small scrape on my elbow) and my my skatecycle flew about 20 feet but we all ended up laughing so hard at what happened it hurt our stomachs. Good times with the family :)

June

The biggest event that occurred in June was Cisco's annual show called "Cisco Live!" or "Networks" which was held in San Diego this year. It is a HUGE show and people from all over North America travel to attend this Cisco sponsored show, listen to our executives discuss different topics, attend training sessions, see the newest products/solutions, and also host their customers/partners at the event. I actually flew down to San Diego a few days early on the weekend before the week-long show to hang out with my college friends Andrew and Brian. It was good to catch up with those guys that I've known since freshman year and were both EE majors that had lots of classes we were in together.

Then the week long event took place, and perhaps the best thing about the event was that tons of Cisco field sales people attend - which meant that I saw a bunch of my friends from the CSAP training program that I went through during my 1st year with the company. It was great to hang out with everyone and go out at night to party, but I definitely felt the ill-effects the following morning when I had to wake up and prepare to do my booth duty shifts. One of the first nights I got completely wasted and Alex had to help walk me back to my hotel room where I promptly threw up in the bathroom and then blacked out on my bed. But that's not important, haha. The key take-away was that I was surrounded by friends and it was so awesome to get to see everyone, even if it was only once a year. The customer appreciation event was held on the last night (Thursday) at the San Diego Padres baseball stadium, where they served tons of food and alcohol. They had a bunch of entertainment as well, and a live concert by Weezer.

I've been trying to keep/stay in shape ever since I got back to California because I no longer have nearly as many opportunities to play sports like I did in St. Louis. I've had a membership to Cisco's gym for some time and I've been routinely going to a weekly 1-hour cardio kickboxing class on Fridays. Since this spring, I've also added to my weekly schedule a second class called "flex fusion" which is a bunch of weight lifting with quick/cardio movements thrown into it. I enjoy both classes a ton, as I've been able to see a noticeable improvement in my body as well as feeling like I'm in better shape overall. I want to keep it up, maybe add yet another day to my workout routine, and start eating much better/healthier (which is a battle I'm slowly but surely fighting).

July
It's not because this month is the most fresh in my memory, but it was really the most eventful month so far this year. SO much happened. To kick things off, I bought new tires for my car. That set me back about $500 bucks.

Apollo turned 8-years old on the 21st. I still can't believe how quickly the years have flown by. But I have consciously been thinking about what it will be like when he's not around anymore, and it always makes me sad. I've tried very hard this year to spend extra time with him and take a lot more photos of my dear pup while he's still got great energy and not really close to being called "old" yet. He's still going strong, playful, energetic for the most part, and very happy with next to zero health issues. His teeth are pretty dirty and that causes some extremely bad breath, but we'll work on that and he gets annual dental cleanings. On a related note, I went to the dentist and got my teeth cleaned too this month.

Apollo's birthday weekend was also my 10-year high school reunion. It was originally supposed to be held at a museum in Sacramento but not enough people (from my approx 400 student graduating class) bought tickets so they had to give up the venue. They ended up changing the event to some cheap bar downtown in my hometown Vacaville, which I was very disappointed and unhappy about. I literally decided 2 days before the reunion to even drive home (1.5-2 hours depending on traffic) to attend, but it was because of 2 of my best friends who were flying home from Alabama and Chicago that I gave in and drove back for the reunion. The 5 of us met on Saturday at one of their parents' house and caught up for a few hours. It was really good to get to see those guys especially since some of them I hadn't seen for YEARS. We were all best friends (the 5 of us) from junior high through high school. We then headed off to a restaurant to try to get some food and drinks before the reunion and bumped into a group of girls from our high school there as well. One of the girls in the group was perhaps the only person I had really wanted to see out of everyone at the entire reunion. She had been (and always will be) the one. I've had a crush on her since 7th grade but all throughout the years she had always had a boyfriend and I never got my chance. Still to this day, I almost always compare every girl to her. The only picture that I took with my phone the entire weekend was of her and I. The reunion itself was actually better than I had expected. A lot of people were there (but at the same time a lot of people weren't) but it was still a good time - even though it felt a bit juvenile and ghetto at this local dive bar.

(side note: I just wrote this entire section below but when I went to hit the backspace key, it did this thing where it went to the previous page and erased the entire section, so I'm pissed I have to write it again)

The Monday right after the reunion weekend something happened at work. I'm going to avoid using specifics or go into detail too much in case this blog gets found and I get in trouble - so please excuse the generalizations and vagueness. The writing had been on the wall for a while and our entire group knew that something was bound to happen but no one could have predicted what actually happened that day. In short and there's not a better way to put this, our entire group (around 100 people, including myself) got let go. This was our global team and realistically speaking we had some time left. Our group had already committed to some projects and so the "lights will stay on" through the end of October. But don't get me wrong, we were all handed paperwork that included some time that we would be given to find another job within the company and also our severance package if/when we decide to leave the company. Many people were shocked and surprised (including myself) but believe it or not I came to terms with it very quickly. I've also told this story so many times over the last weeks that I'm numb to it, but it is what it is. I'm actually quite excited about the possibilities that are open to me right now and the idea of taking my career in a slightly different direction intrigues me. While it is a bit unsettling (as it should be) to not know if you're going to have a permanent/stable job, I'm actually going to have income for the next 6-8 months. So I'm not worried about that, as a matter of fact - like I said earlier - I'm quite excited at the potential and possibility of taking some time off. Change is not necessarily always bad, and I feel weird that I just wrote that because here's a guy, who doesn't even like to change the route he takes to get to/from work because he's got it down to a science. There must be something going on if I'm okay with getting laid off - and I see a ton of positives from this situation. One of those positives is the increased amount of free time I've been having lately. Instead of working 50-60 hour weeks, I'm now able to have a more relaxed and normal work week to do some of the things I like and want to do (like go to the gym, or write this blog).

I have absolutely no idea what the rest of 2012 will bring, but if it's anything like what's happened so far this year... it's going to be a wild and crazy ride (and I didn't even reveal everything that's happened, I've hidden 1 very big incident/event).

A Sweet Lesson on Patience

I'd like to start off by saying that I don't claim to own any part of this story (I'm still trying to track down the original post and original source), nor do I know if it is 100% true or not. Like a child who believes in Santa Claus - I too would like to believe that this truly happened.

A NYC Taxi driver wrote:

I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again. Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.

There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard
box filled with photos and glassware.

'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.

She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother to be treated.'

'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive
through downtown?'

'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..

'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.

I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice..'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.

'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.

We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired.Let's go now'.
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move.
They must have been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.

'Nothing,' I said

'You have to make a living,' she answered.

'There are other passengers,' I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.She held onto me tightly.

'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.. Behind me, a door shut.It was the sound of the closing of a life..

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day,I could hardly talk.What if that woman had gotten an angry driver,or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.

But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

The Best Songs Never Played

As a longtime and pretty die-hard Linkin Park fan, I've grown up with the band throughout the last dozen years or so. Ever since I first got their first (first as Linkin Park) CD Hybrid Theory in 2000 (or was it 2001? can't remember...) Their best CD was undoubtedly Meteora - and it took me a while to come around and really start to see the value in them changing their sound and evolving their stuff instead of putting out more songs of the same footprint/recipe. I collected and listened to each one of their albums - from their pre-LP days (Hybrid Theory EP), to their live concert albums (even bootlegs), to their collaboration albums (with Jay-Z), and their side-projects (Fort Minor) - and finally got around to downloading their fan club exclusives (LP Underground).

It was on their Underground CDs that I found some of their best songs that never made it onto one of their albums and thus probably not even played and heard by some of their biggest fans. These songs were called "demos" which I believe were songs that were 85-95% completed songs but weren't chosen for the actual albums - and thus weren't fully remixed/edited with the careful detail and attention that the songs selected for the CD were given. I've chosen the 3 best songs that I think could've easily made it onto one of their first 3 albums (because that's when they were dated).

1.) Dedicated (Demo 1999)
Released to the LP Underground community back in 2003 on one of the very first fan club CDs - Underground V2.0. This particular song has a very "Hybrid Theory" (the original band) feel to it because there was no presence of Chester - this also makes sense since it is dated back in '99. It's Mike doing his thing: laying down the rhymes and lines to a pretty consistent beat accompanied by some guitar cords and (most likely) Joe Hahn's turntable scratching. There's definitely some background ambiance sound effects as well that gives it a very old school LP feeling. I can also see this song making it as a track on a Fort Minor CD as well - it's got the same kind of vibe. Having said all that - it gives the Shinoda fans what they want to hear, Mike's lyrical skills.

2.) Across The Line (Demo 2007)
Released on Underground v9.0 in 2009, this track surfaced after the release of Minutes to Midnight but was most likely recorded during their work in the studio on the album. Sadly, this awesome song never saw the light of day until it was released to LPU members in-between albums, and was highlighted again a year later in a bonus release called "A Decade Underground" which was a compilation of tracks that were released on various Underground CDs. This song has a fairly dark message within the lyrics that Chester sings. The tempo is upbeat - you can hear Rob on the drums just hammering away - and after a few choruses, Chester really lets his special vocals go to work as he lets out one of his unmistakable screams. Mike can be softly heard echoing the main chorus before concluding the song on the keyboard - and Joe adds his (somewhat creepy) sound effects in the background. This song has almost everything from beginning to end: great tempo, lyrics, vocals, keyboard and table elements, and rad guitar to wrap the whole song together into a masterpiece. Only thing that's potentially missing is more of Mike's voice/lines.

3.) What We Don't Know (Demo 2007)
Another song that was most likely produced during the Minutes to Midnight era. It was released on the 10th anniversary of the Underground CDs - LP Underground X: Demos. This song will hook you before you're even done listening to it the first time through. The chorus is simple, but full of emotions at the same time and you can really hear Chester singing it with feeling. However after listening to it about 20 times or so, it's pretty apparent why it didn't make it onto the album: it sounds a lot like a lot of their other stuff. Now, that's probably a double edged sword and the audience who were disappointed by Minutes to Midnight because they were expecting another Meteora would probably claim this song to be one of LP's greatest hits. However, LP (and also myself) probably realized it was more of the same and didn't have significant substance underneath. The song lacked something that differentiated itself and it just wasn't in line with the "new" and evolved sound in Minutes to Midnight. But listening to the song in the right context - an "oldie" and more "sophomore album" LP style - it fits their recipe to the letter. Chester making the lyrics come alive, great instrumentation, Mike making a presence on the keyboard, great rhythm/tempo, and the guitar strings to compliment the vocals. It's a wonderful song that all Linkin Park fans must hear.

If the perfect song is composed but never exposed, is it still perfect? Or was the lack of evaluation that purifies the perfection?

A Late Resolution

I can’t quite put a finger on it – despite the fact that I have 10 at my disposal. Perhaps there’s a separate reason for each digit, but in the end it doesn’t really matter because I’ve already made up my mind. New Year’s 2011 was 37 days ago but like they say, “better late than never right?”

This year, I will travel – at least 1 different state or country per month.








The obvious question is “why?” – but instead of answering in a rhetorical “why not?” I’ll attempt to answer that inquiry with every excuse that people (including myself) use to justify not seeing more of the world that we live in.

• No time – career
• No time – family
• No time – relationship
• No money
• No destination
• Not healthy enough
• No interest
• No companion
• No logistics

After the first few, it was actually a bit hard coming up the list but I think I’ve hit most of them. Pausing to re-read the list, I’m able to confirm that there is no reason whatsoever that I shouldn’t be successfully carrying out my resolution. There is no way I could honestly use any of the above to justify as an excuse. I need to stop living in my head… I need to expand my boundaries (literally).

Life is a ritual: a routine. These regular, habitual, procedures of activities that are our day-to-day lives may seem like a wonderful and stable system to live in – but it is limited. Many people have made life decisions (sometimes forced) that shut the door on possibilities. I’m fortunate enough to still be allowed to have that choice and freedom. What then is freedom if not used?

[from my college philosophy minor notes]

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. The future depends on what you do today.” – Mahatma Gandhi

“A man that is young in years may be old in hours, if he has lost no time.” – Francis Bacon

“Lost time is never found again.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Man is nothing else but what he purposes, he exists only in so far as he realizes himself, he is therefore nothing else but the sum of his actions, nothing else but what his life is.” – Jean-Paul Sarte

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” – Confucius

Reflecting back on the things that I’ve experienced in life – I’ve come to the conclusion that the most rewarding and character-developing events were always the ones that I experienced for the first time. There is not (much) joy in doing something for the hundredth time when compared to the excitement and anticipation of attaining a new experience. A new memory. A new chapter to add to your book of life.

Let me ask you: are you using any of those excuses above?

Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye is never easy. That's a pretty damn obvious statement and we've all experienced it. However there are certain varying levels, degrees, and sensations that you feel when the act of "saying goodbye" takes place - but also a lot happens in the near future as well.

I'm not even going to address the positives, because it's usually related to some feeling of resentment towards the person that you're wishing "goodbye" to... when truthfully, you'd like to wish them "badbye."

[sidebar: this reminds me of a Seinfeld quote by Elaine during one of her exchanges with Jerry, specifically addressing what people in Bizarro World (a reference to the "upside down/reverse world" in the Superman universe) and Jerry had argued that they would say "hello" when they leave, but Elaine argued for the aforementioned "badbye" response]

That leaves us with the other emotions - the negative ones that make us frown and cry. The feeling of abandonment, depression, anxiety, disappointment - unequivocal pure sadness. Does experiencing it over and over make it easier to deal with? Maybe it does, much like the way you say goodbye to your parents everyday when you leave for school as a child. Those goodbyes come second nature, and in my mind carries next to no weight or meaning. It's a greeting - much like how you say "hello" when you answer the telephone. I suppose I've just identified the word (and action, if you want to include the hand wave, hug, car honk, etc.) as being a very distinctly different thing from the "event" version of a goodbye.

The goodbye event is a very human emotion that challenges everyone in life. It can become exponentially hard to bare with depending on the circumstances. One of those deciding variables is the duration of the separation. It is almost quantifiably proportional. Having to experience the event of goodbye to someone who has passed away and the emotional weight it carries does not in any way come close to being comparable to that of someone heading off to the grocery store for an hour.

Variable number two: the known versus the unknown. Perhaps not as linear as the previous factor, but generally tends to hold true to most people. Knowing that the goodbye event will only last a predetermined period of time offers some comfort and relativity. To see the light at the end of the tunnel implies that there is an exit. But to go through the goodbye event without even the slightest insight of the "to be determined" conclusion can be torturous. You continue to wonder day after day, week after week - will that day ever come? It is quite the impossible and emotionally draining task to challenge the human brain to not just count... but count to infinity.

The last variable is the intangible and subjective one - but that's what makes it the complete x-factor. The one that multiplies and amplifies every emotion by a lot or maybe not much at all. And that's the connection of the two parties being separated. That bond... the relationship... the history. The intensity of your sad emotions during and after the event of goodbye is a direct reflection and representation of how you feel towards them. Family/relative kinship, deep and trusting/meaningful friendship, and unparalleled true love. When these connections are severed by the event of goodbye, nothing but time (and even then, as discussed above, may be working against you) will heal the wounds.

Dwelling on the negatives (as I've successfully done in the previous paragraphs) seem to be the worst thing you can do - but in reality and through deductive reasoning/theory, you can use it to your advantage. I own a book that was written by Ben Stein titled How to Ruin Your Life, in which he outlines 35 life philosophies and actions. But the reverse psychology and spin that he describes in the intro of the book is, "Follow these rules and you're guaranteed disaster. Avoid them, and you're on the high road to achievement and success." I feel that this concept can be applied with the negativity of my goodbye event analysis - and I myself will be the first person to try it out. I'm experiencing some very strong feelings as a result of a great friendship that I've recently made but won't get the opportunity to continue strengthening that bond in the foreseeable future. However...

Deep down inside, I know that the joy and happy memories are worth every future moment of unhappiness as a result of the goodbye event. I also know without a doubt in my mind, that when the day comes for more memories to be made - the sad moments will be blown out as quickly & easily as a lone flame on a candle.

Waiting and Hoping (for her)

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow." ~ Albert Einstein

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my personal life recently. A lot. I keep running into a major fork in the road when trying to decide how I should (or need to) act in terms of finding someone. Should I be proactive and making a conscious effort? Or do I go with the flow and just let it happen? The last part of Mr. Einstein's quote "...hope for tomorrow," is what I oftentimes fall asleep saying to myself. Michael Bublé's song 'Haven't Met You Yet' has lyrics that captures this series of emotions within me perfectly.


I will highlight the parts that I connect extremely well with, and that I truely/deeply hope will come true one day.

-----
I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet
-----

Connecting The Dots

“If you’re a new follower, send me a note and let me know how you stumbled across my twitter page. I love hearing how the connection was made.” – Julie Minevich’s Twitter wallpaper

And that’s exactly what I plan to do – because of reasons that I will in time explain. The picture is a timeline of the chain of events, which is elaborated upon below.



Monday morning had reared its ugly head and I found myself at work little tired (not unusual) and a little bored. I checked Gizmodo for the latest tech news and realized that E3 was taking place. Upon watching the Microsoft media briefing session I became infatuated with XBox's new addition Kinect and started looking for where I could order the XBox Slim, which was announced to be shipping this week (much to the media’s positive surprise). Not finding any success anywhere regarding availability on Best Buy’s website, I decided to try a new route of seeking their Facebook page for others who may have posed my question and maybe already having been answered. Their FB page led me to Best Buy’s “twelpforce” Twitter account and the top post was one made by “julieminevich” asking a question about a Canon S90.

I’d like to say that at this point I’ve fully explain how I got from point A to point Z (Julie’s Twitter) so there is no obligation whatsoever to keep reading. I would however, like to explain a very rare thing that occurred as the next short chain of events that led to a weird… I wouldn’t exactly call it an epiphany per se… but an astonishing and impressed sense of agreement.

I was about a split-second away from closing the web browser window after taking a quick overview of Julie’s website but caught the word “Blog.” I’ve always been infatuated with what people (albeit educated, articulate with words, and written from the heart) have to say/write about themselves. Upon catching the headlines of “Dating 2.0 – Best Medium for Post-Date ‘Thank You’ Message,” I was immediately hooked and dove right in because it was directly applicable to my recent personal life events. After reading the other two related blog entries and casting my votes for associated polls, I wondered: what else does she think and have to say about other things?

That was yesterday. I returned to exploring Julie’s blog again today at lunchtime in my cube. I settled on the post titled “An Invitation to Live Life” and dug into my lunch as I glanced up to read the blog in between bites. But by the 2nd paragraph I was so provoked by what I had read that I had to just put down my food and concentrate on reading. This particular entry was actually written by a friend of Julie’s, but the discussion revolved around the life of a (I’m going to use Julie’s tagline here) “twentysomething” and the uncertainties surrounding life after college and venturing into the adult world. The writer – Michal – then proceeded to pose inquries that questioned what it was that people were supposed to be doing at this point in their life.

All of this struck dead-on, a pretty big philosophical vein within me. What I mean is that I was surprised that another individual, whom I have never ever met, could have the exact same thought process and come to the ultimate, defining conclusion that I had arrived at (but through a different manner). It was an unreal feeling but one that I’ve had before on a few occasions when I was completing my philosophy minor back in college. I eventually went back and dug through my personal blog entries, and found that I had asked myself a lot of the same questions and wondered a lot about the same uncertainties roughly 20 months ago.

To this day, I don’t believe I’ve come across the answer to such questions as “When does real life start? When you are married? Have kids? Career milestone? Settled down (geographically)?” It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I haven’t been able to place a check next to any of those items or cross them off the list. But I have already come to a pretty big personal insight/breakthrough at the age of 26 that’s helped me live my life in a much more optimistic and meaningful manner:

Surely there are check-points in this journey that is your life, but if you strive to hit those – and only those – check-points, you will have lived the same life as everyone else. Is that really what you want to do? Be John-Every-Man? Nope, not this guy.

2nd Place

The thought of coming up just short of winning and taking it all - the glory, the limelight, the feeling of accomplishment and pride - has to be one of the worst feelings that humans endure. When "play to win" is the mentality, coming in as the runner-up just doesn't cut it for anyone competing in anything. You are the number 1 loser. The person/team that came oh-so-close. Your names are the ones that gets forgotten because it's not immortalized on a trophy or plaque. And as you sit/stand there watching the winner/champions celebrate in joy, your mind is at first blank but soon filled with thoughts of what went wrong or what could've been. Your heart (rate) goes from beating a million times a second - due to the adrenaline rush and excitement of being in the moment - down to what feels like a complete stop as it gets struck with feelings of remorse and disappointment (with a bit of shock).

I'm not exactly sure if I'm super/overly competitive when I sit down and think about it. I think it is a combination of various personality traits of mine that draws out the competitiveness in me. Of those characteristics, my ego is probably one of the largest contributors. I'll admit it - yes, I like being in the spotlight and showing off something that I feel that I do well. The second quality that contributes to my competitiveness is actually the perfectionist part of my upbringing/nature. If I screw up or fail because I didn't perform up to expectations to what I know I am capable of - that really ticks me off.

I suppose the best and perhaps only way to deal with it all is to be an optimist. But as a general pessimist who sees not only "the glass half empty" but oftentimes also "who failed at filling it up to the top," I personally find that incredibly hard to do sometimes. Nevertheless I've learned tricks and coping methods in my quest to develop my good sportsmanship and as a more positive person overall. While the theory of "we'll get them next time" may sometimes be applicable, often in a championship/final game situation that "next time" is a long LONG ways away. So throw that one out the door. Then there's the optimist's beautiful world of "at least we had fun," and "we got farther than everyone else." I generally try not to default to either of those two cheesy if not fake justifications that tries to cover up the reality of what actually happened (you lost!). But if the other team deserved to and earned their win... and you gave it all you could (and more), then there's nothing that says you can't walk away from the experience with absolutely no regret because you left it all on the table.

Moral of the story: always attempt to give it your best - and if you succeed in doing so but still come up short, simply shrug your shoulders, shake your head and say "oh well," and move on. Trust me, somehow you will walk away feeling okay with finishing 2nd.

I'm back!

It's been 1 year and almost 2 Months since I last posted on here. I honestly don't even know where to start. Well I suppose I could start with how/why I decided to revitalize this blog and am making a commitment to start blogging again - even if it's in a limited basis (say, once a month).

I actually stumbled upon a new friend's blog, and it's a long shot but maybe she'll read this and realize that it was because of her that inspired me to start blogging/writing again. (for clarification, her initials are A.B.) There was something about her latest entry that made me take a step back and look at my life as it stands today versus my life about a year ago when I wrote my last blog entry. I've always enjoyed writing, even if no one read any of my rambling drivel, because it helps me think about and reflect on my life, current events, and emotions that I may be going through.

I really wish to sit down and recap the void of blog entries that would somehow document and date the things I went through in the year of 2009, but I think that might be an impossible task. I'd probably have to focus on categories ranging from my work (the good and the bad), to my social life (1 relationship, a handful of new friendships), to family matters (the 2 brothers and Mom), to my dear dog, to my current living situations, and finally my 1 to 5 year plan of life in general as I start counting down these last four years before I approach turning 30 years-old.

So you know what? I'm not going to.

I'm a firm believer of not "crying over spilled milk" or in other words, focusing on what has happened in the past but rather what's to come in the future. So I will quickly address the above listed topics but relative to the future.

Click below to skip to:

My Work
My Social Life
My Family Matters
My Dog
My Day-to-day Life
My Plan

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My Work...

... has been extremely busy to say in a nutshell. It has also been filled with change, and a small amount of uncertainty. The past months I've come to learn how to go about designing physical security, how to demonstrate it, and of course how to present and sell the overall solution. The same thing could be said about digial media systems - and this one I actually like a bit more. Boring stuff aside, I'm growing closer to my manager Cindy and I really like her managing style, as well as her genuine caring and helpfulness attitude. She really takes an interest in her engineers and does her best to provide the guidane that she has (in her short history as a manager) to make us better at our jobs. At least she does with me during our weekly one-on-one meetings.

If you had asked me a couple of months ago whether I thought I would continue to stay here on the St. Louis commercial team I'd probably give you a confused and long-winded answer that's accompanied by a lot of "well it depends..." or "then again, it could be worse..." and even "I don't know." But lately I've been so involved (which is a good and a bad thing) with things at work that it's turning in a much more positive direction. I'm actually proud of what I am doing and feel that I'm appreciated by the team. The times when I start thinking about what it would take to find a new position back in California are starting to dwindle and becoming less and less frequent, if at all.

While it is forcing me to be committed and put in many more hours, work has been going well.



My Social Life

... has definitely gotten a lot more interesting and fun. Compared to 3 months ago where I had basically no outlet for my energy and practically no one hang out with to de-stress from a full work week, this aspect of my life has also taken many positive steps in the right direction.

After meeting up with Julian, Lisa (my BFF!), and Ryan for lunch over Christmas break, they've got me playing Left for Dead 2 with them. We've had about a dozen online gaming sessions since then, and it's always great to play video games with close friends - reminds me of the days during college when I was in different clans for SoF2. The 4 of us typically communicate/schedule via GMail throughout the week and play for a couple of hours on the scheduled night and we talk (communications is a must for L4D2) over their Vent server. Always great to hear the voices of friends screaming at you for help getting the zombie off their backs, ha!

Volleyball is where it all picked back up for me and acted as the catalyst for all of the great and fun things to my after-work activities. Our team plays on Thursdays, and just hanging out with these old friends (Chad, Rebecca, Elizabeth) as well as new ones (Allison, Logan, Brian) both on and off the court has really helped make my life less boring and depressing. The games themselves are great because I'm finally getting the much needed exercise during these harsh weathers that don't encourage outdoor activities. Our team is also very solid, and everyone seems to play much better indoor versus in sand. That may have something to do with just the surface we're playing on, but our team chemistry is probably just as big of a factor - with this being the 2nd league we're in together. Needless to say I am very much looking forward to each Thursday night when I get to play and hang out with my friends.

It shouldn't be a surprise when I say that I have next to nothing new to report from the standpoint of the dating world. While I had made a commitment to put forth effort into this part of my life as one of my 3 top new year's resolutions for this year, 2 months have gone by with no progress. Nevertheless, I suppose there are opportunities out there right now and it's kind of exciting to get those butterflies in your stomach again when you're in the same room as that cute girl you hope would talk to or just even look your way and smile at you.

I love my volleyball teammates/friends and know that things will get even better in the spring/summer!



My Family Matters...

... aren't extremely complicated and actually has been pretty consistent. Will and Leo are still going to Sac State, with something around 1 year left before graduation. What kind of jobs they will end up getting I have no clue, but I need to start keeping better tabs on them and forcing/helping them get their butts in gear for interviews or interships. I guess you take those things (having a job) for granted when you have a very stable and well-paying one, but it's quite a different story for those unemployed, underpaid, or new graduates that are caught in these tough times. But having said all that, the brothers are making good progress through school and having a good time. Leo's going to travel to Taiwan this summer for a vacation, of which he's been saving up $ for.

Mom's doing well, but I know she's lonely. Still working her desk job and making enough to get by while also keeping herself busy with her Chinese teachings on Friday nights and on the weekends it's been mostly church/bible study related activities. I think it's good she has those things to help keep her occupied, especially living in a big house by herself. I think at the end of the day, I have to be thankful for her health (brothers too) and that we continue to talk on a regular basis on the phone to check in on one another.



My Dog...

... I think for this one, I'll just take a picture of him and leave it at that. Apollo's doing just fine, and we had Sadie over for about 1 week last week while Dena was on vacation with her husband. Having Sadie over actually really made me appreciate how smart and well behaved Apollo really is, compared to many dogs out there in this world. He doesn't bark much at strange sounds (not too often, but he IS a great watchdog); he knows our system of going to the bathroom outside and doesn't take more than a few minutes to do his business; he doesn't snore when he sleeps at night; he is very well behaved and follows my commands; he is very friendly to just about everyone he meets for the first time and never bites anyone. Apollo turns 6 this year, I can't believe how quickly time flies.

I love my dog :)



My Day-to-day Life

... has actually become more and more consistent lately with work as busy as its ever been. I'm finding myself getting up earlier on a regular basis, and walking back into the apartment more frequently after 5PM than not. Usually when I get home it's dinner time - which makes me sound like an old person for having dinner before 6 but that has a lot to do with my eating habits that've developed thus far in 2010.

So after getting home from work, it's usually dinner followed by TV (usually basketball games) for a couple of hours. I do my rounds around the internet (Facebook, fantasy sports, etc.) before the night is pretty much over... but not before I grab 1 last snack and watch some shows on Hulu or others saved on my computer and go to bed. The weekends aren't much different, except I take care of apartment related chores (cleaning, laundry, etc.) and run some errands (grocery shopping).

I've never - not since moving out after high school - been a big breakfast person. I'd trade every second and every minute that would be spent preparing/eating breakfast for moments of lying in bed next to a warm Apollo and maybe falling into some dream or other ficticious fantasy in my mind. Plus, for some reason I'm never hungry in the morning.

Then there's lunch: I'll eat lunch, but those occasions have to really present themselves in front of me. What I mean by that is there has to be some reason for me to eat. Those reasons could be one such as having to have it with a customer/partner, or that I'm attending some event where not eating makes me stand out like some weirdo, and lastly if the lunch is free and provided to me in the office where it takes no more effort than walking to the lobby and picking it up. There's 2 main reasons why I choose to cut out (or just plain ignore) lunch. The first is that I'm trying to lose weight. While some dieticians will say that not eating forces your body to go into a "storing" mode where you actually gain weight instead of losing it - other dieticians say that a calorie is a calorie, and at the end of the day it's a total sum... so whatever you cut out, is what you've managed to lose for the day (in a good way). The 2nd reason I cut out lunch is the fact that whenever I eat anything more than a bag of chips or a couple of cookies, I become extremely sleepy/groggy in the afternoon. No amounts of caffeine can awaken me, and I find myself in embarassing situations in front of customers or going through annoying periods of extreme unproductiveness.

And there, ladies and gentlemen, is why Glen doesn't eat breakfast or lunch.



My Plan

... for the near future has actually started reshaping itself as of late. Much of it has to do with the fact that, well, I'm happier. My life has become more eventful and entertaining due to me getting out more often as a result of volleyball and the group of friends that revolve around it. My work has been less depressing and more enjoyable (as well as a bit more "stable"). All of those things contribute to how I feel about living in the state of Missouri versus California and the amount of desire that I have (or lack) of wanting to move back for what "might" or "could" be there in California.

I recall Alex telling me something in a phone conversation we were having back in fall/winter of last year when we were discussing whether I wanted to move back to California. And that was, "I know you Glen, and you're someone who is more content and prefers to have stability and consistency with your life as opposed to the opposite." And I think he's right, I do feel better when things aren't constantly changing or seems out of my control. Moving back to California is obviously a huge move and a drastic change that would have a lot of moving parts and in a way almost forcing me to start my life over yet again. Finding a new place, more than likely adjusting to a new job (albeit with Cisco), and even the friends that I may already have there might not make up for everything else I'd have to settle into. In all honesty, it would require quite a lot of things to persuade me to make that call as of today.


And as of today, I'm quite happy - which says a lot considering all of the great things I already have lined up for and that I'm looking very much forward to in the near future (and later this year).

~ Glen

The Story

This was my first time traveling during the holiday season, and boy was it a horrifying story that had a happy ending. I've told this story probably 10 times to numerous people already, and each time I get better at telling it. I think I've gotten the final version down, so here it is... in all it's glory (no exaggerations, I sware).

I had purchased my plane ticket home for Christmas and New Year's way ahead of time, sometime in the middle of October. I had planned ahead, and gotten the reservation (including the extra accommodation for Apollo that the airline needs to know ahead of time) taken care of. My ride to the airport that December 19th morning was Jaclyn's sister Leslie... who also happens to live in my apartment complex (no she is not my roommate and does not live with me). I had called her the night before and agreed on when she would pick me up the next morning.

I got up in the morning, finished packing, and had a few minutes to spare. I took my bags outside and waited in the parking lot with Apollo for Leslie to drive over from the next parking lot. 5 minutes went by. Then 10. I didn't wait for 15, and picked up the phone and dialed her. It rang and rang and then her voicemail picked up. I called again, and this time she picked up. Turned out she had turned her alarm off and went back to bed. By the time she drove over, I was already about 15 minutes behind schedule.

I've flown out of the St. Louis airport at least 3, if not 4 times in the past. It's never taken me more than about 20 minutes to get my boarding pass, check my bags if I have any, get through security, and arrive at my departure terminal. Thus I usually give myself about an hour ahead of time when I am flying anywhere. Well, that day I only had 45.

However, as Apollo and I got dropped off at the airport and walked through the first set of doors... I knew I wasn't going to make my flight. Had I been smart, I would've taken into consideration that it WAS, after all, only 6 days before Christmas... so there was going to be extra people at the airport on that Friday morning.

What I did NOT and almost COULD NOT possibly have anticipated was that the military base here in St. Louis chose that same day, December 19th, to dismiss all of their troops home for the holidays. As I walked into the airport, for every civilian I saw - there was a person dressed in army fatigues. The airport was 1/2 civilian, 1/2 military. Mathematically, this meant that the airport had TWICE the amount of people there that morning.

I started to wait in line, it was the same line to not only check-in your bags but also to get re-ticketed in case you miss your flight, and by the time I got up to the front counter... my plane was already gone. I waited 45 minutes in that line... and during that time I only got more nervous. Not because I felt that I still had a chance to make my original flight, but because of what I overheard someone else saying. I was talking to this guy, who was supposed to take off the day before, but had his flight cancelled due to there being too much ice on the runways. So that day, December 19th, the airport had EVEN MORE people there (due to the cancelled flights from the night before) than there would normally be. It didn't stop there. I continued to hear bad news that told of all the flights leaving St. Louis today being already booked.

Finally I got up to the counter, tell the lady that my flight had already left, and she asks me my final destination - and I replied, "Sacramento, California." She starts typing stuff into the computer to rebook me... and I added, "I'd be willing to upgrade if that would help." After a few seconds she asks me, "Would you be okay flying into San Francisco? I have a direct flight." The plan was to originally have my brother Will pick me up in Sacramento (where he was going to College, would've been a 10 minute drive for him). My mom would have to end up picking me up if I flew into San Francisco, but at this point I'll take anything I can get... ESPECIALLY if it's DIRECT. Hell, I didn't even know American Airlines even had direct flights into anywhere into Northern California (and I've looked for a long time, I dunno how I missed it). I told her "Yes!!! I'll take it!" and she said "your flight's leaving in about an hour."

An hour later I was sitting at the terminal, having called my mom and arranged for the pick-up... of which she was skeptical about because 1.) she has to drive over an hour to get to the airport 2.) she's not very familiar with the airport 3.) she had to leave work early. Anyways they started to board the plane: first class, business class, priority, group 1, group 2... then they stopped. 5 minutes went by, then 10, then 15. Finally I see someone wearing airport security uniform come driving up in a Segway machine, and go into the gate. The guy at the front desk finally gets on the loud speaker and says to us that someone apparently slipped and fell while getting onto the plane. Then I saw someone who was probably a doctor go into the gate, and about 5 minutes both he and the security guard comes back out. We finished boarding, and by the time we took off... we were about 20 to 30 minutes behind schedule.

At this point I should've probably called my mom. But I had flown before and pilots have always "made up lost time" when running late by taking shortcuts or going faster in the air. That's why I didn't call my mom, because I figured that's what they were going to do. Whether they attempted to do that or not, we didn't get to California any quicker. It took us the same amount of time to get there, if not even longer... because by the time we landed (and I factored in the time we were already behind schedule when we first took off) we were somewhere around 40 to 45 minutes late.

I want to take a few minutes to pause and tell you how lucky I was to even get out of the Mid West that day. While I was still sitting at the airport in St. Louis, I was watching the news and weather report on the TV screens and every few minutes they were talking about the "huge storm" that was headed our way East-bound. Airports that have already been hit (or are starting to get hit) have been delayed by an average of over an hour, and the storm was to last a couple/few days. Had I not gotten out of St. Louis that Friday morning, I probably would've been delayed a minimum of at least a day or two.

That was a problem which compounded immensely and had an exponential affect. How? Well, by being delayed meant that it would be December 20, 21st, or 22nd... any day getting closer to Christmas means more hell and more time spent in airport terminals. It also means fuller planes, and most likely MULTIPLE connecting flights just to get back to California. This continues to GET EVEN WORSE, as I am traveling with A DOG. Now, Apollo has a "bladder of steel" that can hold it in for 12+ hours... but putting him through a full day of travel is torture and hell for him. What would we do if we got stuck at an airport? I don't even want to think about it.

Getting back to the story (yes, it's not over), I had finally landed in California. No, I haven't been able to contact my mom and tell her how the plane was arriving almost an hour late of schedule - remember, this was a direct flight and I couldn't get signal while in the air. But I called her as soon as the wheels were on the ground and assured her that we were alright and that I was at the airport. I told her I would be about 10 minutes as I still had to pick up my checked bag. Easy right?

I was in the front 1/3 of the plane and so Apollo and I got off the plane and headed to the bag claim area. As I waited for my bag, I noticed more and more people from our flight showing up at the bag carriage but no bags were coming through. About 15 minutes later we hear an announcement on the overhead speaker: there was a bag-jam. Finally the bags started coming out, and eventually mine popped out as well. It took about 20+ minutes from the time I got off the plane before I got my bag. All-in-all, my mom had to circle the San Francisco airport for about an hour and 15 minutes before I was in her car and on the way home. She was glad to see me, and I said to her...

"An hour and 15 minutes (plus the hour it took for you to get here) is surely a hell of a lot less than 2 or 3 days from now.... or even sometime AFTER Christmas. Let me tell you my story..."

My 25th Birthday - October 3rd, 2008

(Warning!) Before you start reading, I should give a fair warning that this is pretty long. It took me almost all of Saturday to compose and rearrange my thoughts and feelings that I’ve experienced in the last couple of days. I’d suggest either you dedicate about ½ an hour to read all of this or just pick the section from the below links to read the corresponding portions.

(Warning!!) A second warning should be given – and it’s about me. I have an innate habit (sometimes I do it on purpose and sometimes subconsciously) of making people feel sorry for me. It’s the self-centered part of me that does it, and I’m warning you right now to not fall for that trap as you start reading this.

Click below to skip to:

My normal day
My work
My birthday
My life so far
My “friends” and friends
My disappointment
My loneliness
My happiness
My thoughts

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My day...

... started just like any other day. Except today was… Friday. I use my old cell phone as an alarm (simply because I haven’t figured out how to use the alarm on my Blackjack) and it rang promptly at 7AM. As usual Apollo was still asleep – he was under the covers that morning on my left.

I got up, and checked my phone to see what kind of messages I had waiting for me. A couple of e-mails, nothing out of the ordinary. I remembered it was payday so I hopped online to make sure the money was there before I hopped in the shower. Apollo had gotten up by the time I got out of the shower and we went for our morning walk. This was a quick trip down the sidewalk outside of the apartment complex next to the road. After we got back I promptly got dressed and headed out the door but not before I threw a banana and yogurt cup into a plastic bag.

As I drove towards work, I noticed that the high school that I pass every morning was empty. There were no school buses, no early marching band on the softball field, and no traffic at the usual intersection. I guess they had a school holiday. Maybe I should've taken the day off to celebrate my birthday.



8:02AM (Central Time)…


… was when I walked into work, and little did I know I was going to be there for a while that day. My mentor (on my team) recruited me Thursday morning to help him with a HUGE project that some people at work have been spending a lot of time on. I wanted to contribute to the team, which is why I worked late on Thursday – I stayed until about 6 – and came in early on Friday. And I worked really diligently on the project the whole day. I skipped lunch (like I do about 3 of the 5 work days) and continued to work until about 5:30. Yes, I worked until 5:35PM on a Friday… which also happened to be my birthday.


Here is a picture of my car in the parking lot at 5:40PM that afternoon (you can see my mentor Dave’s truck in it as well)

I got home...

... around 6PM and decided to take Apollo to the nearby lake to catch the sunset and to get out for a while. In my haste to get to the lake – and probably because I was so tired from focusing all day – I forgot Apollo’s collar and only brought his leash. So when we got to the park, all we could do was walk along the lake and had to avoid walking the trail. It didn’t turn out to be as bad as I thought.

After we got home, I made Apollo dinner before running out and grabbing some fast food. The thought of sitting along at a restaurant, on a Friday night, on my birthday, was just too depressing and I didn’t want to give anyone the chance of laughing at me. I finished my dinner and had some blueberry cake + peach ice cream while watching TV with Apollo as we celebrated the final hours of my birthday. I started falling asleep around 11, but ultimately ended up falling asleep right around midnight.

So Friday was my birthday...

... October 3rd. I turned 25 this year. 1 quarter of a century. 1/3 marker of my whole life (assuming I make it to 75). Recently I’ve been looking back on my life up to this point and reflecting on what I’ve accomplished – and you know what?

I’m not really happy/satisfied with where I am in life after 25 years.
I’m quite disappointed actually. When I was in Denver about 2 weeks ago and got to catch up with Beth, whom I hadn’t really seen since high school 5 (or 6) years ago… I started thinking about what I have to show for myself if our 10 year high school reunion was tomorrow. That was what led me to reflect on where I am with my life and ask myself a couple of questions.

Am I happy… with what I’ve done since high school?
Yes, I suppose. Actually, no… not really. I’ve graduated from a very reputable college and landed a great job. But what else will I have to show for it? In other words, what will I be walking around with at the reunion? I’ll have nothing but a nice suit, a fair-sized bank statement, and a dog in a lonely 1 bedroom apartment in the Midwest. No house, no family, no wife, no fiancée, not even a girlfriend. Just a bunch of boring stories about school and work that no one will care about except me. I might have accomplished what I wanted to on the financial side, but we all know money can’t buy love and happiness.

Am I happy… with my day-to-day life?
No. Leo actually asked me this question and I was almost dumbfounded when I couldn’t answer his question of, “what do you do after work?” And that’s the problem: I work Monday through Friday, come home to my dog, maybe go out and get some exercise, and watch TV or spend my time in front of the computer. No friends, no extra-curricular activities.

This pretty much got me thinking about all the people I’ve met and become “friends” with up to this point in my life. When they are around, it really makes living worthwhile because they make me laugh, happy, and makes getting up in the morning worthwhile.



My friends...

... have always been a big part of my life. But as I continued to get older and move on to different things – so have my friends. And it’s hard, VERY hard, to keep in touch with those people who were at one point such a big/important part of my life. I started thinking about how many of these people were really people that cared about me.

Technology and the internet these days allow for superficial friendships to emerge out of thin-air. These are meaningless, and people have started taking advantage of things like Facebook to compensate for their laziness and un-thoughtfulness for their friends – those friends who they “claim” to be so close with. Here is an example of something I find to be extremely shallow:

- Person A is good friends with Person B
- Person A has a birthday, and Person B is reminded of it by Facebook because Person B doesn’t take the time to remember it
- Person B uses Facebook to quickly write a “Happy Birthday Person A!” on their wall, in place of a friendly (perhaps short) phone call, birthday card, or thoughtful present
- Person B walks away with a sense of accomplishment – they believe they’ve fulfilled their social obligation to Person A as a friend, without ever making personal contact or giving it any thought.

Think about it. How much time did it really take for the whole process of Facebook-birthday-wishing? 10 seconds to log-in, 5 seconds to read the birthday reminder, 15 seconds to write a generic birthday message on their wall. UNDER 30 seconds… and that is supposed to replace a phone call, personalized birthday card, or meaningful birthday present?

That is the very reason why I decided to do what I did this year on my birthday. I turned off my wall and all instant message programs so I can prevent (at least to a certain extent) that impersonal birthday-wishing. This way, instead of being able to reflect back on my birthday in a very fake way and say “oh man, what a great day… I had 50 people wish me happy birthday!” I can instead look back and say “these are the people who actually cared about me enough to not forget.”

However, being that it was Friday and I still had to work, I had to leave my e-mail turned on – and a side note should be made that Anne decided to broadcast her birthday wishes via e-mail to my 2 old teams (intentionally reminding everyone else) about me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate her for doing that at all… just that it kinda screwed up my experiment for the day because it reminded about 25-30 people.

So who cared about me yesterday? Well, here are the results:

Call log:
12:06AM – Alex B. (missed, left voicemail)
09:55AM – Mom (18 seconds)
10:28AM – Jon W. (1.5 minutes)
11:36AM – Alex B. (2 minutes)
04:18PM – Leo (5 minutes)
06:24PM – Nicole S. (missed, left voicemail)
08:56PM – Greg W. (19 minutes)
09:25PM – Nick L. (3 minutes)
11:48PM – William (29 minutes)

Text Messages:
Nicole S., Jennie F., Leslie K.

Honorable Mentions:
Jaclyn K. (says she didn’t need Anne’s reminder) – e-mail
AJ D. (on his way to Munich) – Facebook e-mail
Kara Y. – very long e-mail including 1 picture
Anne St. – first to write e-mail and reminded everyone else

My experiment and intentions proved to be as expected. Those who really knew and cared about me gave me a call (my closest friends and family) or at least wrote me an e-mail with some substance and meaning. That broke it down to just about a dozen people.

A dozen people who cared/knew about me – and Facebook says I have 538 “friends.”

I’m not sure...

... whether I want to laugh at or shake my head in disappointment at what our world has turned into. We’ve been reduced to mindless drones that click buttons and tap on keyboards to communicate with each other. In 2007, when I had my birthday last year – over 40 drones wrote a birthday message on my Facebook wall. However, I also had 3 birthday cards, 1 decorated cube, several balloons, 2 birthday presents, and 1 really great party.

This year? I had less than 1 hour total of phone calls, and about a handful of e-mails that were actually more than a simple “happy birthday.” There’s a banner in our break room at work that reminds everyone who’s birthday it is for the month (see picture) – yet I received 1 verbal “happy birthday” throughout the entire day. At this point some of you might be thinking to yourselves (if you haven’t already) why I am so self-centered and egotistical. Why am I expecting so much from other people?

I suppose it is somewhat rude and self-absorbed to expect more. But I want to take a second to explain that I’m someone who takes birthdays pretty seriously. To my family and my friends I have typically done something meaningful on their days even when I can’t be there. Flower bouquets, hand-written cards, soccer jerseys, concert tickets, chocolate and candy, stuffed animals, figurines, taking them out to dinners, flying across multiple states… are all just examples of what I’ve done for people this year.

I don’t care about the material possessions… it’s the thoughtfulness and caring messages that people send that counts. I didn’t get too many this year, but I think I got them from everyone who matters to me anyway.



0 cards, 0 presents, 0 parties...

... but most importantly: 0 friends this year to spend my birthday with me. It was a very lonely birthday spent (with Apollo) in my living room.

I might have given a lot of people the impression that life here in Missouri isn’t that bad and everything’s going great. But the truth is: work is going great, and I have my good health. But life itself is pretty damn lonely. I’ve come to the realization (I suppose this is my 25th birthday epiphany) that up to this point in my life I’ve taken friends and the opportunity to make them for granted. It is pretty damn hard thing to do; to pick up your life and leave everything and everyone you know behind. I’ve had to do that once when I left high school, once when I left college, and once again when I left North Carolina. However this last time was the most difficult because I was no longer surrounded by people and faces who were eager to be your friends – they all had their own friends (and family) already.

Sure, things could be worse. I could’ve moved somewhere where I knew absolutely no one – at least here in Missouri I have Jaclyn’s family. Or what’s left of it anyways. Jaclyn is in Arizona, her younger sister Jessica is at college, her older sister works 2 jobs, and her parents tend to travel a lot. When I first moved here, I practically lived there on weekends, but now every member of their family is living their own lives and I’m left to live my own. Even when they all come home visiting sometimes, I have to give them their space and they don’t necessarily always call – and I don’t expect them to, they really shouldn’t.



But what I do have is my own family.

I was pleasantly surprised by my 2 brothers this year. Both gave me a call, and Leo was first. I’ve got to give him credit, he’s always somehow managed to find the words when it counts. He called to wish me a happy birthday and asked about how I was doing. I told him I was doing alright, but the smart kid knew that couldn’t really be the case. He knew I must feel pretty lonely here and told me that I could call or talk to him online more often. He even suggested that we play some online video games together like we used to. It really made me feel good inside to hear all that, especially something he said near the end: while friends might move on and not always be there, we’ll always have each other (brothers). Thanks kiddo.

Will called a bit later at night. I almost thought he had forgotten, but he made it. We talked about life in general and Mom back home. Afterwards we chatted for a good while about a bunch of random things, which just goes to show you that while we may be brothers – we are also good friends that have all of these on-going jokes and similar interests ever since we were little. We talk about the same TV shows, games, online videos, etc. and it’s great to have someone like that who can pick up the conversation at any time. I’m proud of him for finally getting his life in shape and having a good time at college – I’m even more proud of the way he helps Mom back home and the way he has (in the past, and I’m sure in the future) unconditionally lending a helping hand to me when I ask.

Mom was the 1st person in the morning to call me. Albeit it was only for about 20 seconds because she was on her way to work (sounded like she was heading out the door or maybe walking into her office), she said something that caught me off-guard – but in a good way. She said “love you” before she got off the phone. She doesn’t say it a lot, and it surprised me to the point that I didn’t even get a chance to say it back before we hung up. Well, I owe her one “love you” and I’ll repay my debt on Sunday night when we have our weekly chats.



I’ve written a lot...

... because there has been a lot on my mind – and if you’ve read it thus far, I thank you.

If you knew me as well as I know myself, you probably know that I’m someone who is sometimes very self-centered, egotistical, and narcissistic.
If you’ve been around me long enough, you probably know that I complain and bitch about a lot of things.
If you knew me really well and have talked with me late at night, you probably know that I’m a fairly emotional and sensitive person.

I know about a lot of my many problems and faults. How else would I have been able to express them to you – my patient friends – who have read it or listened to me in the past? I know about them and I know what I need to do to better myself and the life I so currently despise living.

But have I done anything about it?

No. No I haven’t. It’s a pretty self-destructive cycle that I tend to play over and over in my head which just sends me on a depression spiral sometimes. The self-pity and the constant criticism about the unfairness of life constantly brings me down. I suppose that’s why I’m so pessimistic when I wake up each morning and expect to hit every red-light on the way to work.

One of my final thoughts is on where my life is going right now. If you were to ask me what direction I’m taking my life and my near-future ambitions – I wouldn’t have an answer for you. I honestly don’t know what I’m doing with myself, which is where one would expect to find themselves when he’s living in the middle of no where. Things used to be so simple: go to school to get into a good college, then do well and get a good job so you can live a good life. Well I’ve gone to college and I’ve gotten a good job so I should be living the dream right? Not really, my head is pretty messed up regarding my priorities and life issues.

I guess you could say I’m going through a one-third-life crisis (versus a mid-life crisis).

But how the hell did I make it to 25 years? I suppose in the past things haven’t been as bad and they haven’t all piled on yet. That and also because I’ve had people to talk to – and I don’t mean people I can call on the phone. There were people who I saw on a day to day basis that understood me and/or listened to me. They were my support system and an outlet for my troubles. But now I don’t quite have that anymore in my life and I can feel things accumulating. I’m pretty sure I’ll eventually drown myself in my own destructive self-pity and loneliness unless I do something about it. I suppose I should continue to write here and express more of the things that I’m feeling and going through in order to vent a little bit.

At least I’m pretty sure that’s what the therapist will say to me and suggest I do at my next session anyways.

Thanks for reading.

- GS